There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to get medieval on corporate ears to be heard, when you have to stand up and shout at the top of your lungs to get services you’re paying for but aren’t receiving, and when you will have to be an automated telephone system’s worst nightmare.
And you need to be ready for that day.
Get some armor to protect your vital organs from corporate whiplash.
Wear the biggest baddest pair of keister-kicking boots you can get your feet into.
While tiny cooter-revealing skirts or skintight pants might make you feel like a superstar they will not impress your healthcare provider. Command respect in a floor length voluminous skirt – the kind you can hide weapons in.
Hide weapons in it.
Add polish to your look with a neat and trim capelet, studded cuffs (for a most tough appearance), and acorn earrings to summon the courage and power to deflect lightening.
Go forth and irritate the hell out of your health care provider until you wear them completely down, and they take care of you the way they promised they would when they lined their offices with your paychecks.
So, you have caught your death of a cold, C’est grave! The cold, she is a vixen, n’est pas?
I am here to help you dress for this serious occasion. First of all, don’t wear color. Wearing color shows an unbecoming level of optimism that may attract the vultures of fate. You want to stick to black and grey. It’s important to appear to take your condition very seriously.
A large loose comfy chunky warm sweater will keep you feeling hugged as though by a big blanket. But this is not enough – next you must wrap your neck with a very big warm shawl or scarf – big enough to cover half your face. This will help you look as pathetic as you feel. Bottoms that are soft and warm are recommended. Slippers are more convincing than going barefoot which implies you are of stout enough health not to complain about a little cold. People who are really sick always wear slippers.
Have much tissue close at hand.
Art depicting skulls or bones will make you feel a little better because you still (presumably) have flesh on yours. For now, anyway.
Your mug may be bright and sunny, for all the evil eye knows you may have had it for ages. Cling to this mug with all your strength and beg someone to keep it filled with hot liquids. If you’re truly on your deathbed you may as well make it a hot whiskey beverage.
Schedule an appointment with your local funeral home. You may survive this cold, but if you don’t, it’s the least you can do for your loved ones.
Foraging for nettles is a gentle activity but the most important thing you must keep in mind is that other people are doing less gentle activities in the woods with guns. To prevent an unfortunately early demise it is advisable to wear really bright colors on your person so that you don’t accidentally look like a dear or a bear or a duck.
Early spring is a muddy time of year unless you live in an arid climate, in which case you won’t be finding any nettles in the first place. Wear wellies to keep your socks dry. They have the added benefit of protecting you from being stung by the nettles.
You can cut nettles with scissors, of course, but you will take your adventure more seriously if you cut them with an actual knife. The added benefit of using a knife is that if you run into any hunters specifically seeking out chic nettle foragers you will be armed with something more intimidating than scissors.
You will observe the absence of gloves. Do you suppose that if you had to survive in the woods you would be clever enough to remember to bring gloves? If you meditate on the activity you are engaged in and become one with the nettles you’ll probably still get stung but you’ll feel very relaxed about it.
Spring cleaning your house can be an emotional and exhausting activity so it is therefor imperative that you dress in cheerful colors that will prevent you from spiraling into a decline when you uncover disturbing things like fossilized gummy bears in your costume jewelry box and the “pottery” you made in 8th grade that you used as a weapon against your old roommate.
It is time to purge these things from your life and to do this you will need copious amounts of tissue NOT because it’s so sad to let go of your childhood artifacts that you don’t even remember liking when you were a child but because the dust will KILL you!
A scarf or hat to hold your hair out of your watering eyes is recommended. Keeping shoes on during this activity is also recommended because you will have to make many trips to the garbage in the storms spring brings.
Comfort is key but you must be sure not to dress as shabbily as the crap you’re getting rid of.
Lastly, do wear some form of acorn on your person because it is a sign of strength and good luck and you’re going to need lots of that!
The single biggest mistake people make while baking bread is to offend the yeast by wearing sweats or other ratty clothes signifying a level of disrespect not worthy of bread. It is vital that you dress as though you give a shit and this means:
Long black skirts – the more like something your Grandma wore as a girl in the old country the better.
Colorful cheerful (but not insipid) top.
Chandelier earrings because baking bread is better than going to the prom.
Headscarf – because your hair should never touch your dough and you should look charming holding it back.
Make up – even if it’s just a little lip gloss and cheek pinching – look like you’re about to meet up with a lover who doesn’t wear white tube socks.
Lastly, and most importantly, you must serenade the yeast for best results. Ideally you will play songs on an accordion while the yeast is proofing. If you don’t have your own accordion or your skill with music is abysmal – play old songs on your 78 record player until your bread is in the oven.
It is devastating when the power company comes to turn off your power in the middle of winter just because you’re a “little” behind on payments. It is important to take care how you dress if you plan to plead with them while standing in your driveway. The most important thing is that you need to look cold. This will appeal to the mercy of the shut-off man.
To look cold it is recommended that you still be in your sleepwear. You want to avoid looking slatternly while still being under-dressed for the cold. The general look is one of haste and surprise (because otherwise you’d just look stupid standing around outside in your flip flops when snow has been predicted). Your shivering will make the power guy very uncomfortable. (Suppressing a few sobs is also effective but more difficult to achieve.)
Fingerless gloves are Dickensian and appropriate whenever one wants to look like they can’t afford a whole pair of gloves or to imply that one has worn through the fingers with hard work. Very effective for looking pathetic.
Lastly, it is recommended that your choice of jewelry be fresh and young implying a certain level of innocence which will enhance the shut-off guy’s guilt in turning off your power. He will probably still turn it off, but at least you will have succeeded in ruining his day.
Dressing for any apocalypse is all about preparedness and layers. If one layer catches on fire, it’s important to have another layer underneath it. Eye protection from falling debris, rocks being hurled at you, and abrasive lights from sudden explosions is KEY.
It is best to stay away from colors too bright (avoid that bright red shirt in the hat image, for instance) because it is the same as scrawling “zombie target” or “great when roasted!” across your face.
Disclosure: the knife is for foraging purposes only.
Garments with pockets will improve your survival rate by 10%.
If you wear stilettos you will be making more room for me in the world. (Thanks!) Boots with low heels are heartily recommended.
Obviously being rejected by literary agents is a dark time and therefore it is appropriate to wear all black. You want to give the impression of an author in mourning.
During this difficult time it is wise to wear boots to give you extra support, dark sunglasses to hide your running mascara, a practical messenger bag to carry your rejected (but obviously brilliant) manuscript around in so you can pull it out dramatically wherever you are and look important (people with big manuscripts always look important) and a long flowy dress to remind people that you are a delicate creative being (this will make people who dis your writing feel guilty) and obviously you need a jacket to prevent your getting consumption.
Practical boots for trudging in and keep feet warm, no place for spike heels or strappy shoes here.
Warm hat that clashes pleasantly with warm ski socks.
Cute top underneath practical and warm tweeds.
Big bag for produce (I would need at least two of these).
I, of course, cannot afford this outfit, but the minute I’m a best selling author (and not so fat), I’m getting this whole ensemble!
Oasis vintage top, £40
Cape coat, £245
InWear mini shorts, £60
T KEES flip flop shoes, $55
Linda Macdonald silver jewelry, £55
Mango cat eye sunglasses, £35
Flip flops or bedroom slippers are a must.
Shorts or tight pants are a must (the shorter and tighter the better, respectively)
Your goal is to juxtapose your ratty indoor private look with your more chic grocery shopping look.
I don’t do tight pants or short shorts but I would do curlers in my hair, flip flops and shorts (in all weather), and the cape adds just the right soupcon of elegance to “balance out” the casual look of curlers and flip flops. (I opted out of slippers because I don’t wear them ever)