Tag: what not to do with knives

Very Specific Kitchen Advice

It doesn’t look that bad.  Just a swaddled bloody finger.

After one week it looks like a mere scratch.  A scratch that hurts like having a saw pulled through your skin every time it touches anything besides air…

Never hide your kitchen knife under a pile of bushy beets.

Not even if you can’t put your knife away because you have a few mice conducting late-night club meetings in the knife drawer and not cleaning up.

It would be better to carry your knife with you to bed than to hide it under a pile of vegetation.  Less surprise is, every once in a while, an advantage. If you know a knife is next to you on the bed you will, undoubtedly, move very carefully whereas if you don’t know a knife waits for you under a pile of beets you may thrust your hand into it with speed and torque perfect for slicing through human flesh.

Don’t be fooled by the benign look of this injury.  The blood is tremendous.  You may  be forced to call a spouse to bandage it up for you.  You may find that the throbbing ripping pain of it makes you want to pass out.  Also the blood.  More blood.  And pain even after it has supposedly healed.

What should you do if you are stupid enough to ignore my advice?

1.  Put serious pressure on the cut to stop the bleeding.

2.  Get someone to help you bandage it.  Finger injuries can be awkward and it’s especially difficult to bandage a cut that is gushing blood while you fumble around.

3.  Take two ibuprofens.  For the insane amount of pain that seemingly small injury will produce.

4.  Never ever hide your knife under a pile of beets again.