Tag: unemployment

Irrational Irritation is More Irritating Than Stale Coffee


Jax, the foster super-kitty caught in a mighty  yawn roar.

As my first week of unemployment comes to a close I have some fears and irritations to chew on along with my not-so-quiet happiness at being home again.

Fear #1: MONEY. Lack of it. I only got a day-job because we really needed the money. I’m so happy to be home every day again but the sharp shadow encroaching on my happiness is knowing how short lived it must necessarily be. Soon I have to look for another part time job, unless by some miracle people really start buying my apothecary products.

Actually, I just spent a half an hour looking at available positions on Craigslist. So it has already begun.

Fear #2: My apothecary website is still unfindable even by a url search. This has never happened to me before and I don’t understand it and an online business relies heavily on one main thing – BEING SEARCHABLE AND FINDABLE ON SEARCH ENGINES. So, fuuuuuuuuck!

Irritation Numero Uno: The company that laid me off is now back in business and have rehired my one friend at that job. That’s not at all what irritates me. I’m relieved she got her job back because even though they treat her horribly she really needs the money. Like, more than I do. She deserves WAY better but at least this will tide her over for now. What irritates me is that I wasn’t offered my job back. I know what you’re thinking “But Bitch, you quit your asshole of a job just last week. What’s your damage?!”* First of all, I actually unquit my job an hour after quitting in hopes that when the dust of our company move settled, things would be much better and I could stay at my job. Second of all, they offered someone their job back who stole confidential documents, padded her time card (and was caught doing both these things, by the way), and who did very little actual work for many months. They offered HER her job back. A shady person who also has the distinction of having caused the company (inadvertently, it must be admitted) to shut down temporarily. They offered her a job back and not me. She pissed off everyone – that’s more people than I pissed off!

So yes, I’m irritated that they value someone who steals, is lazy, and lies more than they value the hard work I did, the honesty I brought to the job, my unwillingness to take advantage of the company even when I was invited to do so on occasion by a person who’s name will remain _________.

What I need to remind myself through my irritation is that while they have dished out the ultimate insult to me, it is also deeply revealing of the owner and the managers’ ethics. I also need to remind myself that if I have to work outside the home I deserve to work for people who share MY ethical standards and who appreciate and respect employees who bring that high standard to their work every day.

In the meantime I have much to work on. I have a lot to do to get my house back in order. I need to clean, organize, and clear the air of fears and irritations. I need to fill it with confidence, order, and love. That’s right, I’m getting all metaphysical on your ass!

I need to find out how to fix the invisibility of my website. I  need to work on my label design some more. It’s not quite right, not quite good enough. I need to sort that out. There are three super important things about making a successful apothecary business and here they are in order of importance:

  1. Make a superb line of products. This is the foundation and heart of a business – the quality of the product being made and offered.
  2. Eye-catching packaging and label. This isn’t just window dressing. This is the difference between being remembered or forgotten. This is the difference between a product being purchased or passed over for a more promising looking product. Before a customer has your product in their hands they only have the image of that product and the copy attached to it to make a decision with.
  3. Visibility/Findability. Your product has to be visible to your target market. Whether you put it on store shelves (I’m not doing wholesale so this won’t be me) or you operate from an online store – customers have to be able to find you.

I have some fantastic products. I’m working on more. But my labels and visibility to my target market are not good. So that’s where I’m at with my business. I’m reminding myself daily that impatience isn’t going to get me where I want to go. Building a good business takes time. There are a lot of details that have to get put in place first. You get there by taking one step at a time. The pressure of needing money might be a useful motivator but I think it can also get in the way of good decision making because if I let it get to me I’ll hurry things that need time to develop, I’ll skip things that shouldn’t be skipped, and I’ll settle in ways that don’t reflect the strong foundation I’m trying to build.

Talking that out made me feel calmer. More focused. How about you? Are you working on something impatiently? Are you battling fears and irritations? How are you dealing with them?

Don’t feel you have to answer. I’m going to go feed my dog, get dressed, and work on labeling as well as write a post on my website that you’ll get to read when the universe/domain handlers/IT people stop hiding it from everyone. Have a great Saturday!

*People don’t talk like that any more, do they?

It’s Getting Scary Again

beer menu

Right now, this minute, I’m beginning to freak out.  I have a fire lit under my ass because rent is due, water bill is due, and I still have no job.  I also haven’t got my Etsy shop up yet.  Oh my god.  I finally got my new pants made so if I happen to get an interview I can look decent.  I also finally got the pyjama pants sewn and later this week I will process the pictures and finish writing the tutorial.  Then yesterday I cut out 8 linings for market bags and have them sewn up and I have 4 market bag shells sewn up too.  I need to get 4 more shells done so that by the end of this day I can have 8 bags to list in my shop.  My greeting cards should arrive this week too so I’ll have those to list as well.  I’m feeling pretty damn frantic and scared.

This past year of being mostly comfortable financially (being able to pay our bills) has been such a relief.  To find ourselves back in the unsteady position of not knowing how we will pay our bills is distressing.  In spite of my feelings of trepidation I also still feel some hope – that my online stores will bring us what we need – that if they don’t bring us what we need a part time job that pays enough to be worthwhile will materialize.  Truth be told – I’m going to apply for one today.  Chances of getting it are slim but I said I will do what I have to to get us through this and I will.

My scooter died on Sunday night.  It’s still dead.  I can’t afford to fix it.  I don’t really know what’s wrong but I know we can’t afford to pay any money towards it.  Philip is trying to sort it out by doing research and fiddling with it.  And cursing at it.

My father in law is in a temporary nursing home and doing much much better.

My mom is pretty much independent at this point and doesn’t go back to her surgeon for a check up for 6 months.  So she’s doing really well.

My cats have both been caught up on their shots and check-ups and are in excellent health.

My child is an old man.  He keeps complaining of ankle and knee and back problems.  It’s so ridiculous I find I want to yell at him to stop acting like he’s older than me.

On the plus side – Max boldly decided to go with Philip down to Santa Cruz for a friend’s birthday and take part in the big party.  I myself didn’t go because I don’t do big parties.  He went and then had a miserable time ending up crying alone on their porch for 15 minutes before Philip found him and they decided to drive all the way home.  In my bones I knew I’d be seeing them home that night.  Philip and Max ended up having a great time driving back home.  They stopped at the lookout point on the Golden Gate bridge and watched ships passing by and then they got gelato at a cafe in Sausalito.  That he went out of his known comfort zone to be social and go far away to do it was great.

While they were gone I went and got an eye exam.  I’ve been having trouble reading at night and have also noticed my vision become blurrier at distances.  I was certain it was time to get reading glasses.  It turns out that my vision is still so good that though I have a very slight near and far sightedness which is completely expected at this age my prescription is so slight that it’s classified as “optional”.  So I can get glasses if I want, but I don’t really need them as much as I need to read in better light.  I was a little disappointed.  I’ve been looking forward to the right of middle age passage where I get to choose my first pair of glasses.

On the other hand, we can’t really afford for me to wear glasses so it’s just as well.

In spite of the looming financial challenges that face us now, there are lots of things I can be thankful for:

1.  I can still afford plenty of food

2.  I can still, this week, afford my favorite coffee

3.  We have health insurance

4.  I just realized that Max has a dental appointment today and I don’t think we can afford that

5.  Shit.  Wait, but this is the blessings list, not the panic list

6.  There are Sungold tomatoes to pick in the garden today

7.  I have tons of dried navy beans to cook

8.  Philip still has a job

That’s all for now.  It’s straining me to think of good stuff when I have fresh things to panic over.

The Weirdness of Mini-Golf

Tara feet

Way back in July we took Max mini-golfing.  I think golf is stupid, generally.  I don’t understand why golf is so much more beloved than ping pong.  However, Max loves mini-golf and after Tara and Philip took Max on an unsuccessful ice-skating outing I really wanted us to have a fun family day in which Max would have to get dressed and leave the house.

preparing for shot

My hand was freshly cut open at that time so I couldn’t be swinging sticks around at balls.  But I wanted to be with everyone.  Mini-golf is so silly that I actually see the fun in it.  Obviously it was a glaringly bright day out and pretty much burnt holes in my retinas.  And I couldn’t find my sunscreen.  But we all had fun anyway!

Max swinging clubs

I’m remembering this time fondly because it was at the beginning of my job hunt.  Back when I was all fresh faced and confident instead of bedraggled and bitter and having nightmares during which my brother’s eyes start bleeding and I’m killing people and missing my math class for a whole semester and then suddenly have to take a test.  In last night’s gem I had to dress up in some stupid princessy dress and recite some math presentation to a teacher for a year end project and I was so depressed and angry that I had to do it that I tore my dress half off and ended up going to the bathroom and pooping in front of the whole school because bathrooms in my dreams almost never have doors on them.  Meanwhile it turns out that I was part of a team of very important people who catch something-or-other and one of our members got trapped by a very creepy guy with an enormous lower lip and a torn up face and he starts killing her.  I replay the scene in my dream because I am so upset that it happened and thought I could stop it if I could start over.  I couldn’t.

mini golfing with Mand T

The job hunt has turned up nothing so far.  I’m not actually feeling bitter.  I’m not even feeling panicky.  I’m working on some ideas for reopening my Etsy shop.  Not a whole lot of sewing is planned so much as some mini-books and cards and some market bags with words and sloguns on them.  I’m working out how to get some things made for a minimum of investment.  What can I say?  It’s a new day around here!

If Photojojo calls me after carefully considering my cover letter and resume finally realizing that I’m the asset they’ve been looking for?  I will JUMP at that chance!  But since they haven’t called yet, I need to be doing something with my time that isn’t looking at job listings and carefully fashioning cover letters.

The mortgage is paid at the moment and all other bills are up to date.  So I still have a little time.  Time to make something cool.  I hope you’ll all shop like MAD when I do load my shop up with fun stuff!

wrong colored water

Back to the mini-golf course.  This water is what fascinated me the most.  There may be places where water is naturally this blue and aqua but it sure aint natural in Rohnert Park.  What kind of chemical coloring did they add to it?  I kept imagining falling into it and getting skin lesions on contact.  I was sure it had a magnetic force pulling me closer and closer to its edge.  Would ducks get cancer if they frolicked here regularly?  There’s nothing quite like toxic water at family fun centers.  Oh snap!  That’s me sucking all the fun out of the world.

I miss when my sister was living here with us.  I miss having a source of income.  I miss writing fiction.

But I can’t sit around missing people and situations all the time.  I have stuff to write, things to make, people to prove wrong!

One thing I can say I do very consistently is GET BACK UP EVERY SINGLE TIME I FALL DOWN.  You can kick the hell out of me but I will get up with my bruises and though full of hot curse words – I will face the world and your feet with fresh determination.

I value that about myself.  I encourage that in others.

Complaining and feeling sorry for one’s self is an important part of the process of moving forward and letting go.  You can’t let go of things unless you acknowledge they exist and that they suck.

If I had a religion it would be Balance.

I love complaining and I need to indulge in a little self pity once in a while like all human beings but it means that I also have to move on, get up, walk away, look ahead, see the good, express my thankfulness, and refuel my optimism and hope.

July feels like a long time ago.

I have 2,250 ml of 153% plum booze in my kitchen.  I think I’m ready for August now!