Summer has hit me between the eyes.  I’m gross from all the sweating because I insist on still being mobile (if you sit super still, sometimes you don’t sweat as much in the heat).  The fans are running.  The hiding has begun.  The great big festival of discomfort also known as MY MOST HATED SEASON has opened up.

(Full disclosure: it hasn’t actually hit 90º yet.)

(Other full disclosure: I think it’s hot when it gets above 70º because I’m an arctic being)

I am sharing my complaints here on my blog because I’m trying really hard (only barely successfully) to refrain from complaining hatefully on Facebook about the warm weather and summer vacations and stupid things like al fresco picnics and basking on hot rocks.  I didn’t used to complain so bitterly until I got sick and tired of summer people infecting my every enjoyable winter day with endless complaints about the horrible cold weather, the wet dreary conditions, how cruel and bleak it all is and how damn much they wished the damn sun would fucking come the hell out already because they’re just so damn fucking tired of the cold wet hateful weather.

These rampant attitudes expressed en-mass during my favorite season have had a corrosive effect on me over time.  I have become increasingly less gracious about respecting other people’s favorite season which is my least favorite for ALL the same reasons.  Yes.  The SAME reasons.  Summer makes me depressed exactly the same way winter depresses so many of my friends.  Too much light makes me angry.  Too much warmth makes me uncomfortable physically with heat rashes, headaches, sunburns, nausea, passing out.  No lies with that list.  It’s 100% literal, right down to passing out from the heat.

(I know it’s hard to believe that a 245 lb woman with big bones and large feet can be such a delicate tissue of a human.  You just have to believe it.)

I decided, last summer, to tone down the angry hateful slurs against the majority’s favorite season/weather.  I decided to attempt to enjoy the fact that when the sun comes out everyone stops bitching and moaning and gets much happier.  There’s a benefit in that for me.  If the majority of the community of humans I associate with is happy and dreamy and joyful and full of love when the sun is beating down on them relentlessly:

• They are easier to control so you can take over the world.

• They’re nicer to you in general.

• They are so enriched with sunscreen chemicals they don’t notice when you steal their food.

• They’re much more likely to do you outrageous favors.

• Or give you money.

• Or babysit your kid (that’s a broad hint).

See what I mean?  If summer loving people applied this wisdom in winter, I’d be done for.  Luckily, they are too busy complaining to take full advantage of people like me who are blissing out in the rainy cold storms.  (And you all know who you are, my winter loving friends!  I salute you!  I also say- take heed to what I say here- it could be very useful!)

I am working on this reform.  Naturally I’m not perfect.  This “not complaining” thing is super hard.  I already let a grouchy comment or two slip and there’s only been about 8 totally uncomfortable days for me so far.  Clearly I must work harder.  My blog is exempt from this whole not complaining deal because very few people come here anyway, whereas 144 people might be adversely affected by my complaining on Facebook or alternately… 144 people could be potentially milked for all kinds of favors if only I charmed them with my magnanimity about this whole crapload of sunshine settling in the Western Hemisphere.

In an effort to remark on all the things I don’t hate about summer, nay, all the things I actively and actually ENJOY about summer, I will make a list here as a starting point:

• Ice water never tastes so good as when your entire body is disintegrating in the heat.

• Dinners out on the patio with friends and family after the sun is behind the house, making a nice big shadow.

• The abundance of flowers everywhere.

• The summer produce.  I’m waiting anxiously for my first summer tomato.  I wait many months for this pleasure.

• Summer provides excuses for me to: not do anything, not do much, stay in a supine position, decline to socialize, get better acquainted with the inside of my house, flop onto the floor wherever I go with heat exhaustion.

• Preserving food.  I love preserving food!

• Picking food at farms to preserve.

• The vastly amusing fashion show that is thrown by all the town’s people all summer long in the form of tank tops that accentuate triple boob action, ultra short shorts designed to show off both maximum amounts of plummer’s butt as well as butt cheeks, the teeny tiny skirts that show way way too much underwear, the ever popular wife beaters in all levels of cleanliness, the crazy shoes and sort-of shoes worn by ladies and gents alike.  Oh the local summer fashion is delicious!

• The smell of barbecuing all over the land.  It’s the summer version of fireplace woodsmoke which I also love.

• Riding my scooter through air heavy with the scent of ripe blackberries.

That’s it.  I’m tapped.

The honest truth is- I don’t actually truly hate summer and if I want winter haters to try and see the positive about the cold season beyond Christmas, I have to work harder at seeing the positive about the warm weather even though it brings me such discomfort.  I have to be willing to appreciate what I can in a difficult season for me because so many of my friends are so happy right now and maybe, just maybe, if I try to celebrate that WITH them, they’ll be more inclined to admit to good things about winter and celebrate it with me.