I’ve been writing maudlin posts and deleting them. I’ve been up late talking out my great failings as a person and working through emotional pain I’m ashamed to feel. I’ve been thinking about the emotional fallout attendant with naming your pain out loud and telling stories no one wants you to tell. Turning the rocks in the ravine up to an unaccustomed light. I’ve been asking myself what kind of person I want to be and comparing it to what kind of person I am. I have read my previous post over and over to look for reasons to feel regret and shame and a way back to silence. I have found none. We’re all responsible for what we say to other people and how we interact with them and if we don’t want to be misunderstood it is incumbent upon us to evaluate how we can communicate more clearly.
One of the people highlighted in my burn pile posted something about truth on facebook. Something I’ve heard before.
“There’s my truth, and there’s you’re truth, and somewhere between the two is the actual truth”
I disagree. I think it’s a cop out. It’s a way of saying “I don’t have to listen to your truth because it is wrong and will never be correct because neither of our truths are the real truth” when the person saying it really means “Except that my truth is the real truth and I can know this while deflecting any responsibility for yours with this handy little saying” I have no idea if this posting was in response to what I wrote or not. If it’s not then it’s profoundly interesting and if it is it’s profoundly snaky.
It’s been days since I wrote that post and I think the fallout is over now. I was so emotional and sad and hurt for days after releasing that. I had a good cry over it and now I think I’ve pretty much processed the shit out of my feelings and it’s time for the next chapter. The debriefing period is nearly over.
So much good is happening and I want to say that I’ve been shaking uncomfortably all day in a state of strange anxiety mixed with absolute complete excitement.
Philip was offered a job with Panamax/Furman Sound today. This job search has been grueling for him. He’s worked so crazy fucking hard and we had to keep our plans somewhat quiet for 3 months and if you’ve had to look for work recently you know it will peel you RAW. I am beyond proud of him for all the work he’s done on his resume and portfolio and keeping going when he just wanted to fall in a heap. He’s so excited to work for this company and it pays 20K more than he’s earning now and has BENEFITS. I think I’m in a state of shock that the search is over, the hiring contract papers are signed and he’s back home with us to finish up some freelance projects and start helping us pack.
So now the reality of the move is before me and cleaning out and weeding through my things will become more intense. But I’m happy. Really happy. I’m also starting to turn my attention to my upcoming work on the Post Apocalyptic Cookbook (which, if we end up going to war with Iran, will be more useful than ever) and I’m also going to get back on track with my health goals. I can’t concentrate on such things very much when I’m just trying to get through today and tomorrow and everything is in a state of suspense. Having such a huge hurtle reached and knowing I’m going back to a community I fit into I won’t have to be on guard all the time and I can now turn to other things.
So here we are at Sunday. I’m working and then I’m going to help Max with a school project. Then I’m just going to relax. If I can remember how to do that.