I woke up this morning fully intending to dive back into bed as soon as I was done getting Max ready for School. It suddenly started snowing hard and I couldn’t go to bed. I can’t miss a minute of snow because we’ve had so little of it this year and it’s one of the things I look forward to the most every year. This morning’s sudden and short lived flurry felt a little bit like nature apologizing for having provided so little winter this year.
I stayed up too late last night cracking walnuts and watching a bunch of episodes of Special Victims Unit on Netflix. My friend Laurie brought me what looks like a year supply of them. She knows I love them – what an amazing gift! I also happen to love cracking them. I find it incredibly soothing. It gives purpose to my hands and calms my mind. The night before I stayed up until 3am cracking walnuts and watching episodes of SVU. I felt like shit yesterday as a consequence. I’m trying to re-establish a healthier schedule of going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. Evenings are the hardest part of the day for me. I’m too tired to do any thing real but not tired enough to sleep. The anxieties of the day have accumulated and I want to drink lots of wine or beer and just watch television shows until I’m too tired to keep my eyes open. I want to drink less and that makes the evenings feel empty in a weird way and there’s so little that soothes. I should probably crack fewer walnuts every night so I can crack them for more nights in a row but once I start I literally can’t stop.
I should contact walnut growers and offer to crack their nuts for $2 an hour. They don’t have to know how much I like doing it and how it would serve as a constant place to focus my nervous energy on. Then I could use the money to buy fancy cheeses to eat with the walnuts.
I should start a hand sewing project. I should bind my damn quilt so I can start quilting it. Hand sewing is also super satisfying in the same way.
I love how quiet snow is.
Now that I’ve had some breakfast and written a little and watched what snow there was to watch I would like to go back to sleep.
I hope you all are having a good morning – whatever that means to you!