Way back in July we took Max mini-golfing. I think golf is stupid, generally. I don’t understand why golf is so much more beloved than ping pong. However, Max loves mini-golf and after Tara and Philip took Max on an unsuccessful ice-skating outing I really wanted us to have a fun family day in which Max would have to get dressed and leave the house.
My hand was freshly cut open at that time so I couldn’t be swinging sticks around at balls. But I wanted to be with everyone. Mini-golf is so silly that I actually see the fun in it. Obviously it was a glaringly bright day out and pretty much burnt holes in my retinas. And I couldn’t find my sunscreen. But we all had fun anyway!
I’m remembering this time fondly because it was at the beginning of my job hunt. Back when I was all fresh faced and confident instead of bedraggled and bitter and having nightmares during which my brother’s eyes start bleeding and I’m killing people and missing my math class for a whole semester and then suddenly have to take a test. In last night’s gem I had to dress up in some stupid princessy dress and recite some math presentation to a teacher for a year end project and I was so depressed and angry that I had to do it that I tore my dress half off and ended up going to the bathroom and pooping in front of the whole school because bathrooms in my dreams almost never have doors on them. Meanwhile it turns out that I was part of a team of very important people who catch something-or-other and one of our members got trapped by a very creepy guy with an enormous lower lip and a torn up face and he starts killing her. I replay the scene in my dream because I am so upset that it happened and thought I could stop it if I could start over. I couldn’t.
The job hunt has turned up nothing so far. I’m not actually feeling bitter. I’m not even feeling panicky. I’m working on some ideas for reopening my Etsy shop. Not a whole lot of sewing is planned so much as some mini-books and cards and some market bags with words and sloguns on them. I’m working out how to get some things made for a minimum of investment. What can I say? It’s a new day around here!
If Photojojo calls me after carefully considering my cover letter and resume finally realizing that I’m the asset they’ve been looking for? I will JUMP at that chance! But since they haven’t called yet, I need to be doing something with my time that isn’t looking at job listings and carefully fashioning cover letters.
The mortgage is paid at the moment and all other bills are up to date. So I still have a little time. Time to make something cool. I hope you’ll all shop like MAD when I do load my shop up with fun stuff!
Back to the mini-golf course. This water is what fascinated me the most. There may be places where water is naturally this blue and aqua but it sure aint natural in Rohnert Park. What kind of chemical coloring did they add to it? I kept imagining falling into it and getting skin lesions on contact. I was sure it had a magnetic force pulling me closer and closer to its edge. Would ducks get cancer if they frolicked here regularly? There’s nothing quite like toxic water at family fun centers. Oh snap! That’s me sucking all the fun out of the world.
I miss when my sister was living here with us. I miss having a source of income. I miss writing fiction.
But I can’t sit around missing people and situations all the time. I have stuff to write, things to make, people to prove wrong!
One thing I can say I do very consistently is GET BACK UP EVERY SINGLE TIME I FALL DOWN. You can kick the hell out of me but I will get up with my bruises and though full of hot curse words – I will face the world and your feet with fresh determination.
I value that about myself. I encourage that in others.
Complaining and feeling sorry for one’s self is an important part of the process of moving forward and letting go. You can’t let go of things unless you acknowledge they exist and that they suck.
If I had a religion it would be Balance.
I love complaining and I need to indulge in a little self pity once in a while like all human beings but it means that I also have to move on, get up, walk away, look ahead, see the good, express my thankfulness, and refuel my optimism and hope.
July feels like a long time ago.
I have 2,250 ml of 153% plum booze in my kitchen. I think I’m ready for August now!