So, you have caught your death of a cold, C’est grave! The cold, she is a vixen, n’est pas?

I am here to help you dress for this serious occasion. First of all, don’t wear color. Wearing color shows an unbecoming level of optimism that may attract the vultures of fate. You want to stick to black and grey. It’s important to appear to take your condition very seriously.

A large loose comfy chunky warm sweater will keep you feeling hugged as though by a big blanket. But this is not enough – next you must wrap your neck with a very big warm shawl or scarf – big enough to cover half your face. This will help you look as pathetic as you feel. Bottoms that are soft and warm are recommended. Slippers are more convincing than going barefoot which implies you are of stout enough health not to complain about a little cold. People who are really sick always wear slippers.

Have much tissue close at hand.

Art depicting skulls or bones will make you feel a little better because you still (presumably) have flesh on yours. For now, anyway.

Your mug may be bright and sunny, for all the evil eye knows you may have had it for ages. Cling to this mug with all your strength and beg someone to keep it filled with hot liquids. If you’re truly on your deathbed you may as well make it a hot whiskey beverage.

Schedule an appointment with your local funeral home. You may survive this cold, but if you don’t, it’s the least you can do for your loved ones.