Reason #3 for not Drinking for 90 Days: Guiltless Mornings

I have never felt guilty about being a lush.  If I do not pose a danger to others with the way I enjoy life I don’t see why anyone should make a moral judgement against me.  Yet there are a lot of Americans who view even drinking 2 alcoholic beverages a night as a sign that you’re an alcoholic.  I reject this 100%.  However, once you have gone over the line, you know it.  No one else can tell you when you’ve crossed it better than you can.  Everyone is different so what is crossing the line from healthy drinking to unhealthy drinking is different for different people.  Once you know that you’ve crossed the line into dangerous territory you will begin to feel guilt.

Mornings are the worst.  Since I rarely get drunk and therefore rarely have hangovers, it isn’t about single evenings I’ve had too much to drink.  The problem is habitually drinking a lot more than is healthy for you, knowing that you’re doing it and every morning you wake up and you haven’t listened to yourself and stopped drinking after a reasonable number of drinks.  It’s been a while now that I have woken up most mornings with a dreadful feeling of disappointment in myself.  And guilt.  Just big-ass guilt.  Guilt that I absolutely don’t let anyone besides Philip know how much I drink which makes it my dirty little secret.  Guilt is ugly.

When you make mostly healthy choices for yourself and your body it isn’t that big of a deal when you go wild occasionally but there’s a balance sheet and when you spend most of your time on the negative side of it, it will begin to wear you down.  Guilt builds.  So one reason for not drinking today is that when I wake up tomorrow morning I will wake up without that gnawing guilt that I have done something bad and secretly been a disappointment to everyone, especially myself.  I will wake up guiltless.

Provided I didn’t misbehave in any other more nefarious way the night before.

*****

Day three of being sick – it’s worse now.  Chest cold taking hold!  Misery.  Sleepless nights, constant tickle in my chest and esophagus that I can’t clear.  Eating riccolas like they’re beer-flavored.  I’m tired.  But I’m just letting this cold do what it needs to do.  I’m taking care of myself – drinking elderberry syrup, lots of water, and hot lemon juice with honey and cayenne and turmeric.  I’m off to rewatch the first couple of Fringe before attempting to get some sleep.  Have a great night!