Tag: glass water

Backwards Woman

I had a revelation today of un-monumental proportions: I am BACKWARDS WOMAN!  It’s like being a super hero, only anticlimactic.  I am completely, predictably, opposite of everyone else.  Some cases in point:

Sunshine makes me angry, gives me headaches and nausea and hives.  It’s as though I’m allergic to it.  While everyone else is suffering from S.A.D. in the winter, I am THRIVING on the butt freezing cold, the snow, the icy rain, the bone chilling winds, the frost, and the perpetual dark skies and early twilight.  Sunshine, on the other hand, depresses the crap out of me.  Backwards.

Everyone wants to be thrilled and surprised and WHO WANTS TO KNOW THE END OF THE STORY FIRST?  Me.  That’s who.  I hate surprises.  Backwards.

Everyone loves games and activities designed to help us all get to know each other and pass the time in an endless string of gaiety and liveliness.  Except me.  I hate games.  Backwards.

The vast majority of people find that they sleep much better when they don’t drink alcohol.  Alcohol is like a box full of solid awesome sleep tied with the most elaborate bow the most obsessively creative person can devise.  Backwards.

While chocolate is supposedly indispensable to every woman, I eat chocolate when I can’t find anything better to eat when I have a sweet tooth.  I spent most of my life disliking it but I while I no longer actively dislike it, it is NEVER my first choice.  NEVER.  Backwards.

The general and accepted wisdom is that you’re supposed to date your prospective marriage partner before marrying them but I married a man I barely knew based on my assessment of his potential as a long-term mate and because he seemed a better man (by virtue of being different) than any I had previously dated.  I would never have dated him but I married him and still love him after 18 years.  Ass backwards!

As a woman I’m supposed to worship both motherhood and the life affirming act of giving birth.  Giving  birth kind of made me want to die, or at least to NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN.  Motherhood is absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done or ever will do and though in one respect I am typical (I love my son so much I’d die in his place any day) I don’t see motherhood as something to worship any more than I worship any other calling or vocation.  I don’t have much worship in me for anything.  Backwards.

I never met a strappy heel I thought was sexy or that made my feet feel libidinous.  Boots are sexy to me.   Boots with purpose.  Or chunky 1940’s platforms.  Or 1920’s and 30’s Louis heels.  I hate… REALLY REALLY HATE Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choo shoes.  I love custom made Justin boots.  Backwards!

Pot is supposed to reduce nausea in most people but it actually makes me nauseous!  Even the memory of it makes me want to vomit.  I can’t even do drugs like normal.  Backwards.

Oh, speaking of drugs… speed- bad ass shit I’m glad I never actually got addicted to… why I liked it is that it gave me the energy to organize which my chaotic brain loves but which my depressive nervous system makes improbable.  I didn’t love the “high” of speed, I loved the utility of it.  Most people use it to  be high and party.  I used it to organize my desk and make a hierarchy of lists that would make professional life coaches fall in love with me.  Backwards.

I am backwards woman.  Whatever is the accepted norm of experience you can be sure I’ve got some other take on it.  I swear to god I don’t do this for the sake of being different.

You’ll have to take my word on that.

I think I’ve seen the inside of too many dawns.