Tag: fat

Do I Have to Wear This Body All the Time?

For those few of you who subscribe to my feed – let me apologize for flooding it this morning.  I had to move all the content from the Cricket and Grey site because we’re going to have it redirect to this one.  I don’t need any extra sites to manage and I’m in the process of starting the Post Apocalyptic Kitchen with my friend Emma – so it’s time to simplify.

I’m supposed to be calling a small produce market right now to get the price for a pallet of tomatoes.  I don’t feel like making any phone calls.  I don’t really feel like doing anything right now.  The kid just came home from school with a stomach ache.  Second week of school and he’s already missing some.

I feel like my body is going to explode because it seems bigger than ever.  Speculation abounds as to why I haven’t gotten even the tiniest bit more svelte after a month of not cooking with cheese.  I’ve had some dairy out once or twice a week, and that’s it.  Then there’s all that exercise.  I did take two weeks off to deal with the last truck load of crap from Oregon.  But I’ve exercised more in the last two months than I have in a very long time.  Yet still I’m huge and feeling huger.

After this coming weekend we are going to stop drinking alcohol at home unless we have guests over.  All I can say is – if I am not eating much dairy, and not drinking much alcohol, and getting plenty of exercise, and I don’t lose weight – I will be so fucking angry at the world.  At my body.  At the unfairness of it.  There is only one reward for not eating my favorite food and not drinking my favorite beverages – weight loss.

Yeah, I know.  My liver will thank me and so will my arteries.


My only pleasure left will be avocados.

Everyone’s got a theory about weight loss.  All I know is that it used to be simple.  If I wanted to lose weight I ate less cheese, ate smaller portions, drank less alcohol, and got more exercise.  Simple.  No complicated schemes where-in I eat many small meals a day or don’t eat after a certain hour or eat special foods or leave out entire food groups.  It was just simple.  It worked.

I really can’t bear to be this fat any more.  I’m making efforts but I look like a person making no effort.  And how could I possibly get BIGGER after cutting out cheese?!  It defies science.  I hate my body so much right now that I want to hurt it.  I hate it so much that looking in the mirror feels like getting punched in the face – I want to cry.  Sometimes I want to throw up.

So.  I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.  After next week I’ll be doing more.  After that – if my weight doesn’t budge, or if it goes up, I will demand a shitload of medical tests.  Incidentally – I don’t have a scale (can’t find the one we had) so I’m not basing this on specific numbers.  I’m basing this on how my clothes DON’T fit well.  My waistbands should feel more loose – not more tight.  The rolls down my back should feel lighter and smaller – not more prominent.

It’s hard to ignore these feelings when I have to wear this body all day long every single day.  There’s no break from it.  That’s the problem with bodies.  You have to BE IN IT ALL THE TIME.  So if you hate it – well – it’s hard to ignore it.  I would just like to step out of my skin.

That’s what I want for Christmas.

I want a break from my body.

It’s a good thing I’ll be able to get therapy from a psychologist soon.

This week I have my first psychiatrist visit at Kaiser.

I hope someday I’ll be looking back at this post from the other side.  Without fat rolls.  I hope I’ll look back and be amazed at how I could have not managed to see the change ahead of me.  I hope I’ll look back and feel truly grateful not to be carrying the weight of two bodies on one set of bones.

Sunday Chatter

In four days I’m going to get on an airplane and have a solo adventure.  If we get to keep our house, this may be the last time I go on a vacation until two or three years into my novel writing career when some royalty checks make their way to me.  (Like how I am visualizing the life I want rather than cowering under the weight of a parade of “if”s?)  So, no pressure to self, but I sure as hell better enjoy myself.  I have a plan: I’m going to eat only Mexican, Middle-eastern, and Chinese food while I’m down there.  Maybe some Greek thrown in.  I don’t eat Chinese food in Oregon.  There is no Greek food here in McMinnville nor is there a Middle-eastern restaurant in sight.  I know Portland is said to have some great Chinese and Mexican restaurants but the Mexican ones have been (at best) just decent.  I had a good burrito there with a friend but not what I’m used to.  NOT what I crave.  To offset the horrible commitment to caloric hell I will eat yogurt and fresh fruit for breakfast every day and WALK WALK WALK.

I did not lose weight.  I mean, I lost 7 lbs and then I’m pretty sure I gained it back.  I’m not even willing to check.  My stress management has been crap this summer.  I was exercising a lot but then my back went out and I ate a lot of fattening food.  Dammit.  When I come back we will be in a two and a half week count down to the beginning of the school year and my plan is to kick off with a brand fresh effort at cleaning up my health all over again.  Max has decided to quit taking Kung Fu and so for now we have a little extra available money and I’m going to rejoin the regular Kung Fu classes while still taking forms.  If push comes to shove (and when doesn’t it in my life?) I will drop the classes again and stick with forms for the long term.  But for as long as I can I’m going to do both.  That’s three and a half hour’s worth of Kung Fu classes a week and I get PUSHED in those classes more than I can ever push myself at home so that will be an incredible boost of exercise.  Then I’ll have to practice.  I am NOT going to worry about practicing the material from the regular classes as much as the forms.

I just hope I won’t hurt myself much.  That constantly sends me backwards.  I know I will get where I want and need to get but I also know it isn’t going to happen even remotely as fast as I’d like it too.  I think it’s important for me to remember that I’ve kept off the top 15 pounds of my heaviest ever weight for over a year.  That’s definitely something.

Meanwhile… my ten year old has been letting loose with the teenage attitude lately and it’s been beyond annoying and tiring what with having to constantly reaffirm his boundaries.  Nine was such a sweeter year for him.  He’s so contrary and combative I really want to duct tape his mouth shut most of the day.  The only problem with that is that then I’d miss the really funny things he says in between making me want to head butt him.  It’s also a little weird that just when he’s becoming so horrid with the button pushing he also starts being more routinely helpful.  We don’t ask much of him.  This isn’t because I don’t believe children should be lazy asses.  It’s because trying to get a kid like him to help out is nearly always twice as much work for me as when I just do it myself.  He has to be closely supervised.  Usually.  Suddenly though he’s volunteering to feed the dog.  I mean he’s randomly piping up with “Has Chick been fed yet?” I say no and he goes and does it.  I say yes and he expresses disappointment.  I don’t get it.  I asked him if he’d get me more coffee yesterday morning and he did.  I ask him to go get something from the freezer outside and he does it.  So I’m wondering if this is a self defense mechanism in him- an instinctual counterpoint to the attitude so that just when I want to lock him in his room he does something completely helpful without the least bit of argument making me happy.  I don’t know.  I do know that this year has been one of the most challenging of them all as a parent.

I also can’t wait for the school year to begin again.  I have only one month to wait.  Once again I will have to say that it isn’t my goal to get rid of my child but he is so much healthier with all the structure of the school year.  Something I can’t give him in the summer.  I WORK quite a few hours of the day and don’t have time to go adventuring or managing his activities.  He loathes summer camp so we didn’t make him go this year.  His attitude is usually much better when his activities are directed all day long.

Time to go get another cup of coffee and find something to watch while sewing.  I don’t listen to music while sewing, as most people who know me know.  I like to watch familiar movies and programs.  I need the visual relief, something to rest my eyes on that isn’t my project.  Not sure what I’ll watch but I must figure it out before the heat paralyzes all of my grey cells.


How My Kitchen Captured Me

First of all, in case anyone doesn’t know this, objects can’t capture you.  Objects can captivate your interest, but they can’t capture you outside of nightmares and horror films.

Second of all, don’t you dare try to caress my taste buds with your food!

Third of all, women saying “That baby is so cute it makes my uterus hurt” and the whole “I’ll be found alone in my apartment eaten by wild dogs (or cats)” that was originally thought up by Helen Fielding is tired and cliched now.  Give it up ladies and come up with new ways of saying babies are cute and that you, as a single woman, will end up alone and dead.  Cudgel your brains and I’m sure you can come up with something original.

My back went out on Saturday afternoon.  I spent all of Sunday and much of Monday in bed, icing, and hopping up on Ibuprofin.  The most boring pill in the world, though effective enough, I suppose.  I should be working in bed right now but I can’t stand it.

Wow!  That was a freaky time capsule- it’s actually been a whole week since I started writing this post.  I don’t know what happened except for all the house guests from California, more kids that I can possibly handle in any given year all in one day, distracting gifts of lemons from my California friend’s tree (SO EXCITING- thank you Sharon!), not being on vacation while all this was going on (worked right through it all), and nursing that bad back…

Wait- how did that happen?!  It’s tomorrow again.  I gave my presentation at the library and it went very well.  I really enjoyed myself.  There was one man there who had a couple of good questions and I am dissatisfied with how I answered them because they were questions about the global economy versus the local economy and that is too huge a discussion to dive into during a local eating challenge meeting- but it did show me that I want to talk more about these issues on Stitch, or even here, in the future.  Worthy complex questions with multi-layered answers.  Math will be involved.  I can’t begin to tackle it all now.  That man rushed off before I could come and tell him I appreciated his questions and comments.

Bottom line for me is very simple.  I love it when things are simple for me.  The bottom line is:

Our entire global economy is made possible by fossil fuel and, to a lesser degree, nuclear power.  Fossil fuel is not a renewable resource and nuclear power is dangerous and an unacceptably polluting source of energy.  We can’t sustain a global economy forever.  For things to change, lots of businesses will have to change or collapse.  Probably a lot of both.  There’s no way to back down from the economy we’ve created without people being hurt.  I have no feelings for big business.  I don’t see a place in the future for giant corporations or corporate agriculture that depends on Russia buying from us or China.

Bottom line: we better be able to produce everything we need for survival right where we are and in our own community.  We should be preparing now for a changing future.

On the other hand, if large masses of us die off because we can’t make changes, that’s good too.  There’s way too many people on this planet.

Love that topic.  Guess that’s why I wrote a speculative fiction novel on the subject.

Speaking of… a New York literary agent requested my full manuscript and has it.  I can now expect to wait 1-4 months to hear back about it.  So when I return from my vacation I will compile a small list of other agents to query and send those out.  If any of you know of an agent who handles sci-fi OBVIOUSLY LET ME KNOW.  Unless you’re my nemesis and don’t want to share sources that could mean my future success.

So now I’m going to sew.  I think I’m going to post this now before it gets any older and maybe post again later today- something fresh.  Or tomorrow.

One last thing- I felt very appreciated for my presentation and the people I met (some of them people I just haven’t seen in a long time) were so warm and it made me realize that people like me, even though I’m quite fat.  I can’t get it out of my head that I’m somehow a bit of a horror because of my girth but it was good for me to feel appreciated and liked and know that my size has nothing to do with my likability.  That was positive reinforcement in action.  Just have to pound it into my head.