There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to get medieval on corporate ears to be heard, when you have to stand up and shout at the top of your lungs to get services you’re paying for but aren’t receiving, and when you will have to be an automated telephone system’s worst nightmare.
And you need to be ready for that day.
Get some armor to protect your vital organs from corporate whiplash.
Wear the biggest baddest pair of keister-kicking boots you can get your feet into.
While tiny cooter-revealing skirts or skintight pants might make you feel like a superstar they will not impress your healthcare provider. Command respect in a floor length voluminous skirt – the kind you can hide weapons in.
Hide weapons in it.
Add polish to your look with a neat and trim capelet, studded cuffs (for a most tough appearance), and acorn earrings to summon the courage and power to deflect lightening.
Go forth and irritate the hell out of your health care provider until you wear them completely down, and they take care of you the way they promised they would when they lined their offices with your paychecks.
So, you have caught your death of a cold, C’est grave! The cold, she is a vixen, n’est pas?
I am here to help you dress for this serious occasion. First of all, don’t wear color. Wearing color shows an unbecoming level of optimism that may attract the vultures of fate. You want to stick to black and grey. It’s important to appear to take your condition very seriously.
A large loose comfy chunky warm sweater will keep you feeling hugged as though by a big blanket. But this is not enough – next you must wrap your neck with a very big warm shawl or scarf – big enough to cover half your face. This will help you look as pathetic as you feel. Bottoms that are soft and warm are recommended. Slippers are more convincing than going barefoot which implies you are of stout enough health not to complain about a little cold. People who are really sick always wear slippers.
Have much tissue close at hand.
Art depicting skulls or bones will make you feel a little better because you still (presumably) have flesh on yours. For now, anyway.
Your mug may be bright and sunny, for all the evil eye knows you may have had it for ages. Cling to this mug with all your strength and beg someone to keep it filled with hot liquids. If you’re truly on your deathbed you may as well make it a hot whiskey beverage.
Schedule an appointment with your local funeral home. You may survive this cold, but if you don’t, it’s the least you can do for your loved ones.
I offer no tutorial on how to make these doors but if you want to know more about what I did you can go and Behold My Inspiration Doors! I used to tape magazine pictures to my bedroom walls as a teenager and these doors reminded me of that. While in nearly every respect I would rather throw up for a month than revisit any part of being a teen – this may actually be one of the few fun things I remember about it. Feeling free to paste inspiration all around you with lowly tape and tacks.
These are my inspiration doors that I put together because I don’t have any wall space in my office to hang an inspiration board. I need to be able to SEE what my personal goals are and be inspired to work towards them every day. My friend Sarah suggested using an inspiration board and I loved the idea. I’d had some shady idea of something similar for a while – but I wanted to be able to see outfits of mine that I want to wear again. So I thought a free-standing set of doors would be perfect for pinning fabric swatches and magazine pictures to while also being a great way to hang up garments that I want to be able to wear again.
Like this polka dot shirt. The great thing about this shirt is that it ALMOST fits me now. I could be wearing this in a couple of months if I stick with my goals. I also hung up (but it’s not particularly visible here) my prettiest never-worn bra. I bought it because it was cheap and because I had a bout of wishful thinking one day. It’s about 1.5 sizes too small. Not an unreachable goal to wear that one this year.
I am making my theme for the year: polka dots, stripes, and roses.
I used to mix all three of those patterns at once in various ways. I’m not comfortable doing that at the size I’m at now but I’m determined to add some of each of these patterns back into my wardrobe even if only as scarves.
I’m really happy with my doors. I haven’t had a lot of time to really play with them but I used the Barnes and Noble gift card my brother gave me for Christmas to buy an i-D mag ($$) and a couple of British fashion magazines. the pictures on my doors right now are from a spread in i-D the winter issue #322. So I’ve been pulling out pictures and going through all my old binders of fashion pages too. All while watching SNL reruns, our current favorite nightly family entertainment.
In order to bring these doors into my office I had to finish unpacking all my craft crap and miscellaneous “How the fuck did this not get weeded out and left in Oregon?” crap and my office is now so much better! It also was the last of my household needing unpacking for the move so it was nice to finish it before the new year. Everyone knows you have to weed your junk out many times before you get rid of everything you really have no use for but I found a piece of fabric that I have continually decided to hang onto for years that I hate. I mean, it’s probably great for someone, but it is a slinky black fabric with a huge bold red and white print all over it that isn’t my style. I bought it at a deep discount and that’s the only excuse I can come up with for why I even bought it in the first place. Quite a few yards of it. I have culled through my stash of fabric many times and that wad of ugliness never got tossed. I am all amazement!
Starting the new year out with dark confessions and a clean office and visual inspirations has made me feel cleaner and brighter. My office is now a place for creating and writing and
YES. DAMMIT! I WILL FINISH CHAPTER 23 OF CRICKET AND GREY ANY DAY NOW.
Day 3 of January and I’m feeling pretty good. How about you?
Let’s not beat around the bush – 2012 was a thumping BITCH of a year for most of us. This is why it’s imperative to start 2013 off with the right attitude. You need to be ready to KICK ITS ASS TO THE CURB before it wedges its boot up yours.
Always start with your head – put a tiara on it. A big one. The more you look like a snow queen with no feelings the better – chill the shit out of 2013 with a single look.
It’s wise not to go too punk rock because you don’t want to suggest that you can’t kick ass in a dress – if you don’t know how to kick ass in a dress that needs to be your first goal of the year: learn to throw a hard hook while wearing a gown. Know how to deliver a side kick in long skirts. Go with a sequined short dress and wear a fetching long skirt underneath.
The message is: “You want my Gi-Gi? You’re going to have to get through my layers first – and I’m not talking about my damn skirt!”
A little edge to keep your look from getting too curly is good – this can be accomplished with a leather or metal cuff. Spikes may offer a good side-blow to your hook.
Shoes: must be flats. Don’t give me that bullshit about kicking ass in 5″ heels. I’ve seen you all try to run in your spikes. Would you run a marathon in Manolos? 2013 is going to be a marathon and you need to win it. Go with ballet flats or boots or sneakers – sequins, leather, ruffles, bows – it doesn’t matter how you fluff them up – but keep your feet connected to the earth and you will have 2013 whipped like cream.
Cheers t0 2013 being everything you make it be!
Spring cleaning your house can be an emotional and exhausting activity so it is therefor imperative that you dress in cheerful colors that will prevent you from spiraling into a decline when you uncover disturbing things like fossilized gummy bears in your costume jewelry box and the “pottery” you made in 8th grade that you used as a weapon against your old roommate.
It is time to purge these things from your life and to do this you will need copious amounts of tissue NOT because it’s so sad to let go of your childhood artifacts that you don’t even remember liking when you were a child but because the dust will KILL you!
A scarf or hat to hold your hair out of your watering eyes is recommended. Keeping shoes on during this activity is also recommended because you will have to make many trips to the garbage in the storms spring brings.
Comfort is key but you must be sure not to dress as shabbily as the crap you’re getting rid of.
Lastly, do wear some form of acorn on your person because it is a sign of strength and good luck and you’re going to need lots of that!
The single biggest mistake people make while baking bread is to offend the yeast by wearing sweats or other ratty clothes signifying a level of disrespect not worthy of bread. It is vital that you dress as though you give a shit and this means:
Long black skirts – the more like something your Grandma wore as a girl in the old country the better.
Colorful cheerful (but not insipid) top.
Chandelier earrings because baking bread is better than going to the prom.
Headscarf – because your hair should never touch your dough and you should look charming holding it back.
Make up – even if it’s just a little lip gloss and cheek pinching – look like you’re about to meet up with a lover who doesn’t wear white tube socks.
Lastly, and most importantly, you must serenade the yeast for best results. Ideally you will play songs on an accordion while the yeast is proofing. If you don’t have your own accordion or your skill with music is abysmal – play old songs on your 78 record player until your bread is in the oven.
Obviously being rejected by literary agents is a dark time and therefore it is appropriate to wear all black. You want to give the impression of an author in mourning.
During this difficult time it is wise to wear boots to give you extra support, dark sunglasses to hide your running mascara, a practical messenger bag to carry your rejected (but obviously brilliant) manuscript around in so you can pull it out dramatically wherever you are and look important (people with big manuscripts always look important) and a long flowy dress to remind people that you are a delicate creative being (this will make people who dis your writing feel guilty) and obviously you need a jacket to prevent your getting consumption.