Tag: fashion advice

What to Wear to Beg the Power Company to Not Turn Off Your Power

What to Wear to Beg The Power Company Not To Turn Off Your Power

 

It is devastating when the power company comes to turn off your power in the middle of winter just because you’re a “little” behind on payments. It is important to take care how you dress if you plan to plead with them while standing in your driveway. The most important thing is that you need to look cold. This will appeal to the mercy of the shut-off man.

To look cold it is recommended that you still be in your sleepwear. You want to avoid looking slatternly while still being under-dressed for the cold. The general look is one of haste and surprise (because otherwise you’d just look stupid standing around outside in your flip flops when snow has been predicted). Your shivering will make the power guy very uncomfortable. (Suppressing a few sobs is also effective but more difficult to achieve.)

Fingerless gloves are Dickensian and appropriate whenever one wants to look like they can’t afford a whole pair of gloves or to imply that one has worn through the fingers with hard work. Very effective for looking pathetic.

Lastly, it is recommended that your choice of jewelry be fresh and young implying a certain level of innocence which will enhance the shut-off guy’s guilt in turning off your power. He will probably still turn it off, but at least you will have succeeded in ruining his day.

My Favorite Week

There isn’t enough rope in the world for tying up the ships that meant to sail.  There isn’t enough spit in the world to pave the way for things mouths meant to say that breath can’t catch and the head can’t admit.  There isn’t enough blade to carve intention across the desk of misspent youth.  There isn’t enough of anything to take you to the finish line you’ve imagined reaching with a languorous stretch of legs, with your expanse of muscle already stretched beyond previous races.  You know it won’t be enough for tomorrow unless you ask new questions, set new finish lines, find new depths of crazy to explore, or find fresh dreams to hang on the line in the brief breezes between rain and snow.

If you knew yourself for ebony you might ask coal to paint you a new door.

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Ah, good ol’ late night writing.  Since I spent so much time napping and sleeping in the last two days I wasn’t very tired last night.  It was very hard to drag myself to bed.

Before I go any further, I want to beg all of you NOT to wear jeggings.  Please.  Tight jeans are bad enough.  Tight jeans with fake wear marks and holes that you couldn’t be bothered to wear out yourself- bad enough.  But to wear leggings that are printed to look like jeans so that you can wear tight-ass jeans without the annoyance of having tight jeans on… that is the height of lazy and ugly.

Furthermore- cease wearing sleeveless fur vests please.  Although I most especially hate real fur (the fur industry is completely evil and unnecessary which is why people love to spend fortunes on it) even the fake fur ones make you all look like Barney from the Flintstones.  Is that the look you’re going for?

That was my fashion public service announcement for today.

This week is my favorite time of the whole year.  Winter is officially kicked off, Christmas is safely tucked behind us, the New Year rises ahead, and the possibility of snow remains a constant hope for the next two months.  Oh, and my birthday is six days after the new year.  While it was annoying when I was a kid to have my birthday right after everyone was completely burnt out from celebrating so much I now love that my birthday comes right after everyone’s fresh start.  Yeah, they’re all still kind of hung over but they have renewed hopes and dreams that they will get right on once the headache stops.

Don’t be surprised if posting is annoyingly prolific for the next week.  It’s like magic the way anticipation of the new year fills me with energy, thoughts, lists, evaluations, and a great need to talk nonstop.