100 Things You Probably Already Know About Me:

1. I’m an atheist but if I didn’t think Jesus was a made up person I would probably have enjoyed drinking with him.

2. I’m all the things you expect a liberal to be: pro-choice, pro-civil rights for ALL people, anti-war, anti-guns, anti-violence, anti-Rush Limbaugh.

3. I’m a feminist who doesn’t hate all men, just the misogynist ones.

4. Fringe and Firefly are my two favorite shows of all time.

5. If you need a gun to make a point or resolve an argument you are the biggest fucking coward on earth. Fuck you.

6. I think people who hunt animals should not be allowed to do it with guns. I think they should have to do it with bows and arrows and spears. It’s a lot more fair that way and really earns you your meat.

7. I do not like the human race at all. I’m rooting for the earth to take itself back from us.

8. But while we’re still here on earth I will not judge any individual  based on the following factors: race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, gender, or taste in music.

9. I WILL judge you on your actions, for good or ill, how you treat me, how I see you treat others, but more than all of that: how you treat animals and insects.

10. If I could have chosen my own race I would have chosen to be half black and half Asian.

11. I’m not a kid person. I don’t like “kid friendly” things. I don’t like childish behavior. I hated being a child. This does not mean I hate children. I just don’t like spending time with them much and watching them smear themselves with food is one of the grossest things in the world.

12.  I don’t like most things other people think are fun. Please refer to this list for a full explanation.

13. Beer + Cheese + Potatoes = Trifecta of Holy Goodness

14. I think Russians and their language are way sexier than the French and their language. Putin has put a damper on my love of Russians but some day he’ll put his shirt back on and let Russians discover a new despot.

15. I want to tour the country to see all the abandoned mental hospitals and prisons I can find.

16. I love hanging out in airports. I always make sure I get to airports with plenty of time to spare so I can sit around writing notes about other people and read trashy magazines. Sometimes I sit in the bars and drink beer and pretend to be Bukowski.

17. I want cars to be outlawed. Cars and trucks. I want everyone to have to walk, ride a bicycle, or a scooter, or a motorcycle.

18. I want the 2^nd Amendment repealed.

19. I hate warm weather. Sunshine makes me angry unless it’s also really cold out.

20. I love growing food, herbs, and flowers. They love the heat and sunshine so I try all the time to make peace with this.

21. I loathe guitar riffs in music.

22. I have frequent nightmares and have been having them since I was a kid. I call them my “other life” since I spend so much time having them and not sleeping well.

23. I am mentally ill. I have Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and mild OCD.

24. Do not tell me how I can fix my mental illness with whole foods and exercise. 20 years of whole foods (how I was raised) and lots of exercise did not prevent me from being suicidal or really sick in the head. Psyche meds are an important part of maintaining my mental health.

25. Gluey muffins make me almost as angry as people evangelizing their pet diets.

26. I have a favorite fork.

27. I love processing large quantities of food for preserving. I find it both fun and it satisfies my OCD.

28. If you really truly want to freak me the fuck out – drink a big glass of milk in front of me and then talk so I have to see the phlegmy spit tendrils in your mouth. (Oh god, just writing that makes me want to fucking hurl)

29. I’m emetophobic.

30. The quickest way to make me suspicious of something is to tell me how certain you are that I WILL LOVE IT.

31. I love cats. I like dogs.

32. If I could live anywhere besides where I do, I’d live in Scotland.

33. My favorite author of all time is Mary Stewart.

34. My missed calling is as an anthropologist.

35. I once made a Chinese coworker named Bruce excessively angry insisting that humans aren’t superior to ants and that we do not have the ability to measure their intelligence so we can’t actually assume they don’t have any. It really fucking bothered him. I thought his head would explode.

36. I think the Mormon religion is one of the most surreal of all religions. And there’s a lot of stiff competition in that field.

37. My life will not be complete until I’ve looked at a live syphilis culture with dark field microscopy.

38. If you ever trick me into going to any place where karaoke happens we sill stop being friends.

39. I hate surprises.

40. I LOVE spoilers.

41. Serial killers fascinate me but thinking about them keeps me up at  night and then I have nightmares about them.

42. I want to know EVERYTHING.

43. I’m not a very sexually motivated person. I mean, sex is great, but it’s not everything.

44. Tomatoes are one of my favorite things to grow and eat.

45. I want 100% separation of church and state.

46. I love taking photographs. I’m good enough to have gotten two professional gigs but don’t want to do any more.

47. I consider myself a documentarian. It’s what writers, artists, musicians, and photographers do.

48. I drink my coffee black with no sugar. I like drip coffee. Strong but not gritty.

49. The smell of whiskey makes me sick to my stomach.

50. I want to have a micro pig for a pet but I object to the kind of hybridization that makes animals into specialized pets for humans. Plus they’re super expensive.

51. I want to have a regular pig but my family will never let that happen.

52. I love cooking but I don’t like baking. Except for bread. I like baking bread.

53. I need a tremendous amount of time by myself to recharge. I never get enough.

54. I have social anxieties that I’m very skilled at hiding so as not to expose them to others.

55. I love the word “whore”.

56. I love wearing men’s shoes and clothes and before I got fat I looked really good in them.

57. I do not have a sweet tooth.

58. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in a decade but I still love the smell of fresh cigarette smoke. I still hate the smell of stale cigarette smoke.

59. Poor mouth hygiene freaks me the fuck out. Brush and floss, people!

60. I hate eating at busy restaurants. I hate drinking at busy bars. The noise level gives me anxiety.

61. I love bagpipe music.

62. I love accordions and I have one named John.

63. I still think of myself as blond even though I haven’t been blond since my hair darkened when I was a teen.

64. I hate my feet. I want to cut them off. But then I’d have shitty prosthetic foot problems.

65. I have a love/hate relationship with sewing. I love designing and making my own clothes except for when I don’t.

66. I do not eat at buffets.

67. I don’t like eating flowers.

68. I hate shopping for clothes and shoes.

69. I love grocery shopping. Grocery shopping in foreign countries is one of my favorite things to do.

70. I have more pet peeves than there are gun-hoarding Libertarians in Oregon.

71. I’m a socialist (the Nordic model, to be specific).

72. Blind patriotism and fervent flag waving is all empty of meaning unless you are willing to hold your country accountable for the treatment of all its citizens as well as its global activities.

73. I’m obsessed with people’s height. It’s one of the first things I want to know about a person as if it can give me some kind of perspective – like how we’d look standing next to each other in a police line-up.

74. Freaks me out when grown-ups smell like candy or bubblegum.

75. I like diamonds and pearls and art deco settings.

76. I hate inspirational sayings, memes, tweets. They make me want to punch things.

77. I’m not a very sentimental person but I’m excessively empathetic.

78. I love foraging for wild food like nettles and elderberries.

79. I was raised from birth as a vegetarian but when I grew up and experimented with eating fish and meat I chose to continue being a vegetarian for many reasons – but the biggest one is that meat and fish make me want to throw up because the taste and texture is so awful.

80. Kale is the antichrist. (I used to like it okay until it gained such a fervent and virulent following to the point where people massage it before eating it)

81. I hate the Halloween and Christmas episodes of all shows. They are always selling the same sachrine bullshit moralistic miracle-farts masquerading as magic and wonderment. Fuck that shit.

82. I also hate all holiday movies. ALL OF THEM. Okay, except for Love Actually.

83. I hate puppets. Puppet shows make me angry and want to rip holes in felt things like puppets.

84. My favorite smells are sandalwood, roses, and citrus.

85. I haven’t got any interesting fetishes and I’m totally cool with that.

86. I get along great with both men and women and have both as friends.

87. I once was trapped in a van with two conservative Christian Republicans who bragged about shooting a bear led out on a fucking leash and tell loving stories about Rush Limbaugh. Never came so close to jumping out of a moving van.

88. I was not a popular person in McMinnville Oregon.

89. I’m a Saturday Night Live nerd. But only from season 25 to 37.

90.   My biggest celebrity crush is on Jon Stewart.

91. I don’t understand racist white people who are obsessed with tanning their skin.

92. I hate it when women detectives or government agents on tv shows wear stiletto heels and do chase scenes in them. STUPID.

93. I hate doing laundry. I hate folding it and putting it away too.

94. A Frenchman once called me a socialist because I think cock fighting, dog fighting, and bull fighting are all evil. But he had a terrible hair cut, so I don’t care.

95. I believe that the punishment for rape should be the same as the punishment for murder.

96. I think any state that makes abortions illegal should have to pay for every child’s cost of living, health care, and education from the moment they are born until they reach adulthood.

97. I think the punishment for crimes against animals should be the same as for crimes against people.

98. You definitely want to be friends with me during an apocalypse.

99. I never wanted to be a dancer.

100. I drive a Vespa and I love it.