Tag: chatter

So Far This Week (the view from Wednesday)

rare rainy day

I miss the rain so much. Come back! Come back to me!

So far this week:

My boss made one of my coworker’s cry.

The toe I didn’t cut off seems not to be made of human flesh.

Humans are gross but also fascinating animals.

I have left Facebook for a while because, PEOPLE.

Raccoons are adorable even if they are fierce and enrage my dog. I wish I could have one as a pet.

I also really strongly want a pig.

On Sunday I made actual progress on my Bad Romance manuscript and it felt so damn good! I haven’t written since, due to the draining day job, but I still feel so happy to have made some progress.

I’ve finished watching all 12 seasons of Murder She Wrote and now have nothing to watch to drain my brain of all its aggressive growling.

I also want a hedgehog.

The tiny baby deadly poisonous snake that bit its person in my nightmare last night actually looked like a tiny baby fish. And then it died.

I’ve been getting more juvenile with my mental insults at people.

I love birds. I love birds so very very much.

I don’t know why, but I think my need to get to know (and hang around) horses is somehow important for my personal growth. I’ve been fantasizing about taking a Greyhound to go visit a friend of mine that I’ve never met in person so I can throw some stitches (she sews professionally) and watch her ride her horses and maybe learn to groom them. She has no idea I’m dreaming of doing this.

In spite of how I sound lately, I truly am fighting to hang onto what vestiges of love I feel for humankind. If I didn’t care and wasn’t trying I wouldn’t be on my news fast and I wouldn’t have shut down my fb account. Humans are capable of good things, they just don’t prefer nurturing that side of themselves. I want to nurture that side of myself.

I can’t find a Jardin de Bagatelle rose at any nursery. This means I need to take a cutting from my friend Sharon and start it from that.

I don’t have enough roses in  my garden/life.

I can never get enough roses.

Fighting my own Misperceptions

car window

18 lbs down.  95 more lbs to lose.  51 days of  boring-ass sobriety down, 39 days more to go.

I’ve been watching a lot of spy shows.  All of them featuring hot women and smokin’ men.  Familiar features of such shows being royal people in hiding (plotting to regain throne/empire/prestige) and revenge for deaths of loved ones (usually fiancés or spouses) and going rogue from their agency (usually an agency turned evil agenda, obviously) and I love these shows.  I rewatched almost all of Alias for the third time.  I have rewatched most of Fringe.  Now I’m watching Nikita for the first time.

And I need to air some dirty linen: I am ashamed to say that I feel very uncomfortable looking at Maggie Q’s body because it’s so thin that I keep wondering why she’s doing that to herself when she’s such a beautiful woman.  The thing is – I know that some women truly are thin as rails and that being such doesn’t make them unhealthy and judging them for having a body that isn’t to my personal tastes is really horrible.  So I keep fighting my discomfort looking at her ribs sticking out and her chest bones being visible.  People judge me for being so fat and I know that many people make assumptions about how I got this way that are untrue and unfair.  And I’m doing this to another woman.

So I’m trying to reprogram myself as I watch her.  I avoided watching this show because I found it so hard to look at her body.  That’s a true fact.  And it’s a shameful fact.  I’m on season two now and I’m not noticing it so much now.  I love her character and the show is engaging with all the usual expected elements.  I love to see an Asian woman be the lead in a spy show and she’s really good in her role.

Meanwhile it’s been raining!  Which has been wonderful and more is finally coming so I’m getting out there on my scooter between storms today to get some produce.

My back has been hurting.  I’ve had a lot of headaches and some stomach aches lately.  So even though I’m getting lighter all the time I’m not feeling all that great in general.  I think my body is pretty shaken up and not sure what it’s doing.  Some days I lose my appetite and forget to eat*.  I’m not sure what sounds good anymore.

Nightmares have been super vivid and disconcerting as usual.  The night before last I had a barefoot meat-related nightmare.  What the fuck is that all about?  The shoe losing in my dreams is really stressful to me.  It happens all the time now and I don’t know what that’s about.

I have finally started on chapter six of book two of my Cricket and Grey.  What’s really getting in my way of writing is staying up super late and waking up super late.  It seems that even when I go to bed at a reasonable time I’m still sleeping in super late.  That’s not what I want.  I think that now that I’m over half way through my 90 days of sobriety I need to set my alarm for 5:30am and force myself to get up and write.  Writing needs to be the priority above all else that I do or it won’t happen.  That’s just a fact and if I don’t make it a priority I’ll never reach my goals.  I also need to get  busy promoting my book.  I have done no promotional work since before Christmas.  I need to get over my qualms and fears and DO IT.  Because no one is going to do it for me.

That’s my update for today.  I leave you with this question for the ages:

Why are so many fictional male spies name Michael?

*I don’t forget to eat for a whole day or anything drastic, just forget to eat at times when I normally eat and later wonder how I managed to forget to eat and then wait a little longer trying to figure out what I feel like eating.  So – not trying to eat less for weight loss – I wasn’t planning on paring down on food for at least another month.  This is more just – not hungry and I don’t believe in eating when you’re not hungry.  So whatever is going on with my tastes and appetite right now it is most likely more about having shaken up my habits so much it’s kind of at a loss.  I’m just explaining in case anyone was feeling worried.

A Very Exciting To-Do List

backyard selfie

Did you know that when you get really fat your earlobes get fat too?  Totally true.  Absolutely distressing.

On today’s agenda:

Get dressed

Get a couple of batches of soda made

Feed the lemon tree and add compost to it

Clean up the kitchen

Go to Toad in the Hole with friends for a last pub visit for a few months

Work on my list of 90 reasons not to drink for 90 days

That’s it for today. Anything more would be blatant over-achieving.  I don’t want to make you all feel lazy or anything.  Oh shit.  Laundry.  I have to do laundry right now.  Hell.  I hate laundry.

Hope you all have a great Saturday!

Wednesday is for Suckers

circuit breaker pickles

Pickles have happened.

Over-use of the word “slut” by pretty much everyone has happened.

My father in law is in the hospital.

Philip has a new job that doesn’t pay enough to keep me home but that he’s really excited about.  The company makes super cool medical lab equipment.

Max is eating two different things for lunch at school.  EPIC.  (He eats a couple of my peanut butter breakfast cookies and some natural cheese crackers).  Last year he would only eat cheese puffs for lunch every day all year long with zero variation and evil looks when I tried to convince him to change it up from time to time.  This year I said I didn’t want him to eat cheese puffs for lunch – he hasn’t eaten them all summer – and he agreed saying that he was kind of tired of being made fun of for his lunch.  That was the first I heard about him being made fun of for his lunch.

I’ve been working hard choosing and preparing images for greeting cards that I will be selling in my revamped Etsy shop.

Looking for work has not gone well and is so damn depressing and the prospect of working in a retail store or an office is, for the moment, so repellant that it has convinced me to do my own thing again.  I hope to God you all will help spread the word when I have it up and running.  I think I’m going to have a shop on both my main blogs too so that people can buy directly from here if they want.  Though I’m not completely sure how to set that up or know if I really can.  I’ll be looking into it.

I’ll be selling market bags again, and some pillows with images on them, a couple of booklets, pant straps for protecting your pants while riding bicycles, mourning bands, and possibly some other things as I think them up.  Because this thing – needs to pay the bills.

My friend Sharon is beginning the work on painting the Cricket and Grey cover!

If I can make enough to not get work and not spend all my time sewing stuff then I might actually be able to start writing again.

It’s been hot here.

I just ate the first (local) eggplants of the season this week!

My mom’s best friend gave me one of his never used Le Crueset pots and I used it to make my first batch of ratatouille of the season.  I love my new pot!  It’s ALL MINE!  It’s amazing.  That’s all.

I have to go make some breakfast and get dressed and then do some more business planning and clear off a couple of projects.

All the while hoping my FIL is going to be okay.

Also, we’re going to have to talk about this whole slut bullshit soon.