I have thought of writing a book based on my nightmares called The Nightmare Club. Either that or I could take each nightmare individually and spin them into separate novels. I call my dreams my other life because they are so unrestful and draining that often I wake up more tired than I went to bed. And then I am haunted by them all day long.
Here’s a tidbit from last night that I shared on facebook:
Dreams featuring old boyfriends are unsettling. Nightmares in which I have to cut kittens’ ears off are horrible and also unsettling. Dreams in which old boyfriends talk about previous dreams in which they were featured is even more unsettling. I did not sleep well. My brain feels more asleep now that I’m awake than it did all night.
When I cut the ears of the kittens off I didn’t cut enough off but it was so dreadful to have hurt them at all and I knew it was something I had to do but I felt worse because I couldn’t remember why and it was pointed out to me that I hadn’t cut enough off but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt them further.
I may have mentioned the really bizarre dream within and dream within a dream I had a couple weeks ago but just for fun I’m going to recount a little bit of it again:
In my dream I was sleeping and dreaming that I was sleeping and that dream of my sleeping self was also dreaming and she had a dream in which she had to go to the bathroom and she worried that if she dreamed she had to go to the bathroom she might actually have to go and if she didn’t wake up soon enough she might go in her bed. The dream self of my dream self’s dream self did, in fact, poop in her pyjamas and so my dream self’s dream self woke up out of the embarrassing nightmare hoping to find she hadn’t also pooped in bed but she had, in fact, done the same so my dream self woke up terrified to discover she had too and, as you can guess, she did wake up filthy in her bed.
I, the only dreamer left unaccounted for, woke up out of my dream and happily found that I hadn’t pooped in my bed nor did my body need to relieve itself in any way. My heart was pounding but I fell immediately back to sleep to find my dream self seeking out a shower to clean up in and had the chance to discover that I (she, whatever) was living in a trailer on a little rectangular piece of land and I started mentally planning out a raised bed garden to grow food in because I didn’t have a lot but I wondered what I could grow in such a shady space and just as I was figuring this out I was in danger and I don’t remember more than tiny snippets of the rest of my dream that night.
My dreams are so powerfully connected to my waking self that it always feels as though I’m living two lives. Nights with no remembered dreams are bliss. Not all of my dreams are nightmares, strictly speaking, but nearly all of my dreams are disturbing to me. I rarely have what I would classify as a “good” dream and often these are ones in which I feel completely safe, usually because someone is protecting me from something, so the dream might have been a nightmare if I hadn’t felt protected. Truly good dreams are even more rare. Happy dreams. I have two main happy dreams (that aren’t marred by violence or anxiety or anything creepy) where I find antique stores that have not been picked over yet and I find lots of treasures or dreams in which I find amazing hats and clothes that obviously fit me. The other mostly happy dream is when I return to 361 Scenic Drive in Ashland Oregon, my childhood home, and find 25 years of mail collected in the mailbox. However, this dream is often shadowed in other parts, but the mailbox full of mail always makes me so happy and I wake having enjoyed my dream even if other darker things happened in it.
I have the nightmares regardless of what’s going on in my life and I have been having them steadily and frequently at least since I was 10 years old. One thing I DO know is that they do become worse and more frequent the more I am exposed to the news of the world. I believe that I have had much too much exposure to news through friends on facebook than is good for me. I have stopped reading news links that friends share unless I think they will be uplifting in some way. This is something I must work harder on. But there are many things posted that you don’t have to click on to see that are dreadful. One that is haunting me now is a picture of two teen boys holding up a dead puppy they had obviously strangled. This kind of shit is candy for an already unquiet mind.
I don’t want to give up face book because I have so many happy connections there with friends I can’t see in my everyday life. I love the casual chatter of face book. But I may need to limit the time I spend there a little more than I do now. I feel I must do this to protect myself from too much incoming stimuli of a negative nature. I already hear all the voices in the world as a low buzz in my head that I can’t shut out but facebook lets a lot of extra noise in that is not healthy for me.
While I would like my dreams to take a happier turn – I must confess that if I didn’t dream as often and as vividly as I do I would feel that part of me had died. I have become so accustomed to having bad dreams that I’m scared to wish them away – it’s like when you get used to abuse to the point where you can’t imagine a life without it and wonder who you would be.
It worries me that I think not having so many nightmares would make me feel abandoned and emptier inside.
My second life keeps calling me and I keep picking up the phone.
One good thing about all my dreams is that I am never fat in them. Never.
It occurs to me that my dreams are the only place I can completely be myself – I don’t have to pretend to be other than I am or protect anyone from my own thoughts and fears. Everything has full expression in my dreams and I am always my core self in them. In my dreams the bad shit I fear is real and so I’m never crazy for fearing them and everyone else is experiencing the same world with me.
Perhaps the best thing about them is that no matter what happens in them I wake up and find I haven’t killed myself or been dismembered by a serial killer or been raped or cheated on my husband or lost my child or cut the ears off kittens. There is nothing quite like living through a tsunami to wake up and discover that your house is dry and too far inland to be wrecked by one.
You might even say that my bad dreams are my real world and my waking life is just a good dream I’m happy to experience again and rest in after all the horrors of my sleep.
You might say that, if you thought I was really crazy.