Tag: 2011 retrospective

Burning The Old Year

The Good:

  • I finished writing my novel.
  • I got Max back on health insurance (effective Jan. 1, 2012).
  • I got Max back to the Psychologist and on anti-anxiety meds.
  • I got Max into a new school.
  • I still have my job.
  • We got approved for the HAMP trial period.
  • Quit regular Kung Fu classes and started taking forms.
  • Got to go to Blogher 2011.

The Bad:

  • Max had the worst year ever in school until he was transferred.
  • Max started self harming.  All dreams of his mental issues being minor are over forever.
  • Had to start him on anxiety meds.  (You observe how this is both on the bad and the good list?)
  • There is no change in our income but growing pressures upon it.
  • I was depressed most of the year.  I refuse to up my meds for fear of them adding to the Paxil weight.
  • My anxiety has also been through the roof all year.
  • I never have enough time alone.
  • I have not found enough self discipline in myself to over-ride the anxiety and depression to do the things I must do to lose more weight.  Consequently, still hate my body and it becomes a vicious cycle in which the hate I feel for my body depresses me and makes me even more prone to doing the very things that make it worse.
  • Really lonely.  I assuage the loneliness to a certain degree with my online life but it is a mere band-aid.  Constantly feeling isolated.  My personality exaggerates this feeling.

The Ugly:

  • The absolute certainty that I must get Max on ADD meds if I want him to not only survive the next few years without becoming a drug addict, but if I want him to grow and learn in school.
  • Constant nagging feeling that I have cancer in my body.  The physical hell I’ve been in for years increases my unease.  If I have cancer, I will have to let it do its thing.  Can’t afford to be sick like that.
  • Self loathing stronger than it’s been in years.
  • Pitch writing.
  • Asking for too much in-put on my writing from non-writers resulting in writing paralysis.
  • Sleep as bad as when I was a teen.  Bad sleep all year.  With and without beer.  Regardless of how tired I am, how late or early I go to bed.  With it the worst run of nightmares I’ve had in years.  Night after night.  Looking like sleep will require doctor intervention (if I want to have any).
  • Politics.
  • Over-population.
  • Human Beings.