So Much Good Stuff I’m Feeling Suspicious

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I have been temping at the business that laid me off in the winter and didn’t hire me back. Things have changed and it’s a new day. I need money and they need some help and it’s under new management with a fresh intention and fresh mode. Considering how stressful it was working for this company the first time around it may surprise you to hear how much I’m enjoying myself now (which I did sometimes before, because the products are awesome and the work is satisfying). That’s the power of change.

My garden has 2 yards of fresh compost covering it. I mulched permanent plantings in the front and our cherry-berry bed in the back. We trimmed, we cleaned things up and out, weeded, smoothed, and the established plants all responded immediately with fresh foliage and out of season rose buds. I planted favas, shallots, lettuce seeds, kale, radishes, Swiss chard, and carrots. I harvested comfrey and mugwart. I’m not even sure why I planted mugwart now because when I look it up it is mostly useful as a milder wormwood – for sachets or de-worming. I trimmed my rosemary and made rosemary salt out of it.

I’ve sewn (but not quite finished) 3 new pairs of pants and one new skirt. I also almost finished a shirt but it looked so horrible on my fat body that I went into an instant nasty depression for a few hours and plan to buy the cheapest black shirts in size ZILLIONX and not expend energy sewing shirts I won’t wear. I’ve already got some cool shirts that would be cool on anyone but Jabba the Hut. <—- me right now.

The last few months have been hard. Everything broken, everything needing money we didn’t have, my mom’s needs being colossal for a while, and attach the usual cycle of depression and inertia onto all of that with the usual poor sleep and frequent nightmares and you will understand just how flagrantly stymied I was feeling. My writing stopped completely. Everything non-essential to THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW was shut down, left for later. I re-gained all the weight I took off the winter before last. I drank a few kilos of beer and have eaten enough cheese to sustain an entire nation for a year.

But here I am. Through to the other side. Or near it, at any rate. Last weekend I put down a couple thousand words on my “Suicide for Beginners” novel. I think that may be where my energy lies right now instead of fighting book 2 of Cricket and Grey. At least this weekend it flowed out like it needed to be written and knew where it needed to go.

But I had beer this weekend. I have no beer now. I am off the sauce. Again. So it goes, right? The things we struggle with sometimes take herculean (and repeated) efforts to subdue. So when I try to work on my novel we’ll see how well that goes without any lubricant or sedative. I’m done apologizing to myself or anyone else for the erratic way I’m going down my own path.

Needless to say, I have done no work on my Sugar & Pith site in the last few months. I’m nowhere near done setting everything up. Judging by the flood of Christmas commercials on Hulu and the flood of stupid sacrinated bullshit Christmas movies added to Netflix last month it seems that as a retailer I may have already missed my chance to sell much for the rest of the year. You know what? I don’t care. This part time temp work is giving me a little breathing space. I’m trying to create something sustainable and meaningful and that can’t be done in a hurry, as I’m finding out. I’m going to have to do it at my pace and in my way, like everything else. The stress over it and the struggle to go faster is a simple matter of financial pressure that we have felt in the last few months what with all the broken stuff/people/pets. The pressure has made me feel impotent and paralyzed instead of acting as motivator. This is typical of my kind (mentally ill, particularly of people with depression and anxiety) in case you aren’t like me and don’t already know these things.

I was so fucking tired, folks, so fucking tired every day. Now I’m feeling energized and it’s kind of weird. Without beer I’m kind of giving up the day early, like – old person early, to go to  bed. But I’m getting up earlier too. Winter is coming and finally fall is feeling less like summer. This cold air gets up into my bones and makes me happy and is certainly part of this new energy I’m feeling. It’s amazing what a temperature drop and a little rain can do to lift my spirits.

My current batch of foster kittens are coming along slowly  but steadily. Well, Wolfie is coming along like a speed train into her kitten-hood, she was never feral but underweight and very sick so she’s a healing rocket of joy. Scotch and Jupiter were possibly the most feral kittens I’ve had of this young age and I almost sent Jupiter off to another foster because I thought I might not be making enough progress with him but then he started making real progress. Now Scotch and Jupiter are purring and relaxing when we hold them and when I pet them, they don’t run away as frequently (but they do still hide quite a bit) and I’ve got them playing with the cat toys out in the open, I can lure them out of hiding with the toys. This is great progress.

It’s time for me to go to work. Bottom line for this report from Angelina-ville is that there’s change in the air and in my bones. I’m feeling refreshed and good. I hope you all are feeling good too. If you’ve been stuck in an awful quagmire, like I have been, I hope you find your way out of it soon. Remember always that change often happens in tiny increments we don’t immediately notice until it builds up. Hang in there, make all the little changes you can, make the best decisions for yourself that you’re capable of right now. Be patient with yourself and when your head is telling you awful lies, listen to your dearest friends and family who truly love you when they tell you how lovable you are. You can trust yourself better than others in most ways, but when it comes to self care you need to trust people who routinely show you kindness and patience and don’t abandon you because when you’re feeling low, those are the people you can trust better than yourself to know your worth.

Have a fabulous Friday!

 

8 comments

  1. Robin says:

    I’m so glad you are feeling better. We are digging out from under John’s illness. We still have a long way to go but today looks good.

  2. angelina says:

    Thank you, Jay! I have about a thousand unfinished unpublished posts. That’s how well the writing has NOT being going. It’s good to have the words coming back at last.

  3. angelina says:

    Thank you, Nicole! You know what I’m missing? YOU. And an update on all your projects and property search too. How are you and R? Lots and lots of love to you both!

  4. angelina says:

    Robin – sometimes digging out from under illness is a very long process with a lot of ups and downs. I’m glad John is doing better! Lots of healing thoughts to him and to you who cares for him! xoxo

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