Shifts in My Plan

untouched sunset 4This image is completely untouched by photoshop.  We’ve been having some lovely sunsets these days.

So.  Only 4 days until I go sober for at least 3 months.  It looks like I am going to be chemical-dependency- counselor-free due to my psychiatrist not feeling it’s her responsibility to make a new recommendation for one that doesn’t suck.  She actually told me to ask the sucky counselor for recommendations for other people in her office.  What idiot takes recommendations for anything from people they don’t trust, don’t like, and can’t respect?  I’m also very annoyed that she would tell me to do something that feels like confrontation when I have such major social anxieties.

I am also second guessing myself on taking the disulfarim.  However, I have the prescription so I can fill it whenever I want.  What makes me hesitate is that if I take the disulfarim I can’t make my own sodas and I think that would be a great replacement for beer.  I can make spicy ginger soda and maybe do a cranberry soda and a lemon soda.  But there’s infinitesimal amounts of alcohol produced when fermenting your own soda.

A few friends have offered to go sober with me for at least a month, some more.  So I’m feeling like I have some good support.  Not only that, many friends who aren’t going sober are rooting for me big-time.  So I’m still feeling pretty good about this and I’m looking forward to it.

Here’s my new plan:

This weekend I’m getting a few batches of soda started.  Also going to buy Angostura bitters to have in mineral water (as suggested by my friend Lucille), and a few other non-alcoholic beverages.  So come Tuesday I’ll have some good choices of things to drink.

Every evening I will check in on Facebook before settling down to read (after having brushed my teeth) and will report on my sober status.  If I’m having trouble getting to this point I will check in earlier and scream for help.  I will not be watching any/many tv shows for a while because I’m used to drinking while watching them.  (It was hard for me to read for quite a while after quitting smoking because I so closely associated smoking with reading)

I will also post more frequently here to keep my head clear.

If I feel like I can’t do this or I end up having a drink I will go fill that disulfarim prescription and start it immediately.  I can promise myself I will do that.  So I am basically giving myself one  chance to do this without it and that’s it.  I’m not saying this so that I will be accountable to anyone else – just myself.

While this post sat in draft yesterday I came up with an idea.  I’m going to post one reason a day for why I don’t want to drink that day.  For 90 days.  90 reasons I don’t want to drink.  I’ll see how things are going at that point.  If I’ve lost enough weight and feel good about my new routines I might at that point set some new parameters for drinking and try it out.

Also – for anyone wanting to give me encouragement – if I am stressing and being cranky about not being able to drink beer, don’t make suggestions about what I can do instead.  That will just make me crankier because nothing can replace the comfort and deliciousness and mellowing quality of beer.  Not at first, anyway.  A much better approach would be to help me focus on my goals and why I’m actually doing this.  Things like “You want to fit into that polka dotted shirt you have hanging in your office.” or “You want to look more like a Ukrainian schoolmistress than Alfred Hitchcock” or “You want people to stop making assumptions about you because of your weight” or “You want to fit comfortably in  seats on airplanes”  This is much more about really important goals I’m trying to reach than it is about finding replacements for beer.

Okay – only 3 more days to take-off.  I’m totally going to do this.


  1. Tash says:

    Hello. I have been reading your blog for a while off and on. Good luck on your new journey. One that I need to take myself.

  2. nadine says:

    Good! Focusing on the reasons why is great!!! I gave beer up last june. Haven’t had much other than with you the two times we’ve been out. For weight and skin reasons I too have recently quit drinking wine. Now i drink tea. I want to wear my thin clothes and get new thin clothes. Just stocked up on a bunch of tea flavors and had my first cup of Coconut chai. Tasty.

    Happy New You!

  3. minnie says:

    your shrinks decision to not help you find a new counselor is troubling. is it some function of kaiser bureaucracy?
    Your plan sounds good! I am rooting for you!

  4. angelina says:

    Thank you for your good wishes! If you need to take this journey too then I hope that either we can take it together OR that mine fuels yours when you’re ready to take it. I send you the warmest wishes too!

  5. angelina says:

    I didn’t realize you were doing that, Nadine. Well, I’m joining you at least for a few months. I feel resentment towards tea which I used to love quite a lot but now I only enjoy really strong black tea with milk and sugar. It’s an irrational resentment.

  6. angelina says:

    Minnie – it IS troubling. If it weren’t for the fact that I have such a good support system of friends and well-wishers there’s no way I could face this right now without professional support. I guess she just doesn’t feel it’s her responsibility. I’m grappling with my anxieties and trying to convince myself to write to her with my complaint but I resent being put in that position. Thank you so much for your cheer-leading! You are often in my thoughts when going through anxious things – your posts make me know we’re in the same tribe and that makes me really happy. You rock!

  7. Plaidshoes says:

    I wanted to wish you good luck. I am sure this path will be challenging, but I have a lot of confidence you can do it. You are making a positive change that can only help create the future you truly want/deserve.

  8. Bobby Daves says:

    Angelina, I’m with you sober at least three months. 21 days is frequently cited as the number of days it takes of repeating something until a new habit takes hold. I’ll be watching and wondering when you start to notice new ‘habits of mind’ forming.

    If nothing else, this process will be fuel for creativity.

  9. pam says:

    I remember quitting smoking. I didn’t say forever, I just said for now. Forever does seem like, well, forever. Too daunting. But I never went back to it. I totally get the idea of wanting better clothes and to fit comfortably in an airplane seat. Although for that last one, well I’m not sure how the hell much I’d have to lose for that. They’re all for pixies. I’m cheering you on. I know you can do it.

  10. Tash says:

    It is a journey I need to takes for my health. I think about stopping then I just buy some more red wine. There I go again. I will be reading your journey and hopefully I will be more inspired to change.

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