It’s Getting Scary Again

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Right now, this minute, I’m beginning to freak out.  I have a fire lit under my ass because rent is due, water bill is due, and I still have no job.  I also haven’t got my Etsy shop up yet.  Oh my god.  I finally got my new pants made so if I happen to get an interview I can look decent.  I also finally got the pyjama pants sewn and later this week I will process the pictures and finish writing the tutorial.  Then yesterday I cut out 8 linings for market bags and have them sewn up and I have 4 market bag shells sewn up too.  I need to get 4 more shells done so that by the end of this day I can have 8 bags to list in my shop.  My greeting cards should arrive this week too so I’ll have those to list as well.  I’m feeling pretty damn frantic and scared.

This past year of being mostly comfortable financially (being able to pay our bills) has been such a relief.  To find ourselves back in the unsteady position of not knowing how we will pay our bills is distressing.  In spite of my feelings of trepidation I also still feel some hope – that my online stores will bring us what we need – that if they don’t bring us what we need a part time job that pays enough to be worthwhile will materialize.  Truth be told – I’m going to apply for one today.  Chances of getting it are slim but I said I will do what I have to to get us through this and I will.

My scooter died on Sunday night.  It’s still dead.  I can’t afford to fix it.  I don’t really know what’s wrong but I know we can’t afford to pay any money towards it.  Philip is trying to sort it out by doing research and fiddling with it.  And cursing at it.

My father in law is in a temporary nursing home and doing much much better.

My mom is pretty much independent at this point and doesn’t go back to her surgeon for a check up for 6 months.  So she’s doing really well.

My cats have both been caught up on their shots and check-ups and are in excellent health.

My child is an old man.  He keeps complaining of ankle and knee and back problems.  It’s so ridiculous I find I want to yell at him to stop acting like he’s older than me.

On the plus side – Max boldly decided to go with Philip down to Santa Cruz for a friend’s birthday and take part in the big party.  I myself didn’t go because I don’t do big parties.  He went and then had a miserable time ending up crying alone on their porch for 15 minutes before Philip found him and they decided to drive all the way home.  In my bones I knew I’d be seeing them home that night.  Philip and Max ended up having a great time driving back home.  They stopped at the lookout point on the Golden Gate bridge and watched ships passing by and then they got gelato at a cafe in Sausalito.  That he went out of his known comfort zone to be social and go far away to do it was great.

While they were gone I went and got an eye exam.  I’ve been having trouble reading at night and have also noticed my vision become blurrier at distances.  I was certain it was time to get reading glasses.  It turns out that my vision is still so good that though I have a very slight near and far sightedness which is completely expected at this age my prescription is so slight that it’s classified as “optional”.  So I can get glasses if I want, but I don’t really need them as much as I need to read in better light.  I was a little disappointed.  I’ve been looking forward to the right of middle age passage where I get to choose my first pair of glasses.

On the other hand, we can’t really afford for me to wear glasses so it’s just as well.

In spite of the looming financial challenges that face us now, there are lots of things I can be thankful for:

1.  I can still afford plenty of food

2.  I can still, this week, afford my favorite coffee

3.  We have health insurance

4.  I just realized that Max has a dental appointment today and I don’t think we can afford that

5.  Shit.  Wait, but this is the blessings list, not the panic list

6.  There are Sungold tomatoes to pick in the garden today

7.  I have tons of dried navy beans to cook

8.  Philip still has a job

That’s all for now.  It’s straining me to think of good stuff when I have fresh things to panic over.

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