Already it’s been days since my last post. It’s obviously difficult for me to get back to my daily meditative thinking (AKA – sloppy brain spill).
I am pretty depressed right now. My anxiety is under control because I upped my meds and it’s working but I need to up my depression meds too so I have to make an appointment to see my psychiatrist, which I’ll do, but which just sounds like so much work (definite sign of depression – total inertia)
I’ve been having some bad nightmares with some good bits in them. cinematic tangled stories with interesting characters and predicaments. But violent and unsettling and brain-sticky. The thing that makes me not mind right now is that I’ve been waking up with the urge to dig myself back into fiction. I haven’t really had the chance between my inertia and all the little things I have to do every day. But that’s such a lousy cop-out because I know if I could drag my sorry ass out of bed at six in the morning I could get some writing in. In the evenings I am most likely to get maudlin and writing in that state is generally valueless. It may have worked for eighteenth century poets but all it does for me is make me unattractively melodramatic.
Last night’s nightmare was about one thing and then turned into preparing for dirty guerrilla warfare. Getting hideouts ready and my job was to find as many kitchen knives as I could to give to everyone for defense and knowing that it would be dreadfully inadequate. I’ve already forgotten most of the nightmare/dream. What sticks is not describable. It’s amorphous but wanting expression. I hate that.
The biggest news on the home front is that my mom is now off of her wound-vac and off of her antibiotics! She’s making fantastic progress and getting stronger every day.
School starts for Max in three weeks. Poor kid. Poor me. The stress of dealing with him in PE will resume and that of too much homework as well. Boooo!
Biggest news on the Max front is that he tried sushi and loved it! His favorite things he tried were some kind of raw fish in a sauce and the cucumber salad but he also tried and liked a tuna roll. So he ate rice for the first time since I tried to make him eat it as a baby. He REFUSED, categorically, to ever put that shit in his mouth. So – that’s kind of huge. Plus he’s now a big fan of sourdough bread with butter. I count this as a little victory because in the past he’s not liked sourdough – it’s an indication that his tastes are broadening even though he still doesn’t like most produce. Sigh. I guess I’m going to have to learn to prepare sushi at home because I know I can’t afford for us to have a big sushi habit as a family. (I hate sushi – but love tempura.)
It’s time to crawl through the meager job listings of jobs I would actually like to have. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I find something good soon or I will be forced to apply to Joanne’s Fabrics.