18 lbs down. 95 more lbs to lose. 51 days of boring-ass sobriety down, 39 days more to go.
I’ve been watching a lot of spy shows. All of them featuring hot women and smokin’ men. Familiar features of such shows being royal people in hiding (plotting to regain throne/empire/prestige) and revenge for deaths of loved ones (usually fiancés or spouses) and going rogue from their agency (usually an agency turned evil agenda, obviously) and I love these shows. I rewatched almost all of Alias for the third time. I have rewatched most of Fringe. Now I’m watching Nikita for the first time.
And I need to air some dirty linen: I am ashamed to say that I feel very uncomfortable looking at Maggie Q’s body because it’s so thin that I keep wondering why she’s doing that to herself when she’s such a beautiful woman. The thing is – I know that some women truly are thin as rails and that being such doesn’t make them unhealthy and judging them for having a body that isn’t to my personal tastes is really horrible. So I keep fighting my discomfort looking at her ribs sticking out and her chest bones being visible. People judge me for being so fat and I know that many people make assumptions about how I got this way that are untrue and unfair. And I’m doing this to another woman.
So I’m trying to reprogram myself as I watch her. I avoided watching this show because I found it so hard to look at her body. That’s a true fact. And it’s a shameful fact. I’m on season two now and I’m not noticing it so much now. I love her character and the show is engaging with all the usual expected elements. I love to see an Asian woman be the lead in a spy show and she’s really good in her role.
Meanwhile it’s been raining! Which has been wonderful and more is finally coming so I’m getting out there on my scooter between storms today to get some produce.
My back has been hurting. I’ve had a lot of headaches and some stomach aches lately. So even though I’m getting lighter all the time I’m not feeling all that great in general. I think my body is pretty shaken up and not sure what it’s doing. Some days I lose my appetite and forget to eat*. I’m not sure what sounds good anymore.
Nightmares have been super vivid and disconcerting as usual. The night before last I had a barefoot meat-related nightmare. What the fuck is that all about? The shoe losing in my dreams is really stressful to me. It happens all the time now and I don’t know what that’s about.
I have finally started on chapter six of book two of my Cricket and Grey. What’s really getting in my way of writing is staying up super late and waking up super late. It seems that even when I go to bed at a reasonable time I’m still sleeping in super late. That’s not what I want. I think that now that I’m over half way through my 90 days of sobriety I need to set my alarm for 5:30am and force myself to get up and write. Writing needs to be the priority above all else that I do or it won’t happen. That’s just a fact and if I don’t make it a priority I’ll never reach my goals. I also need to get busy promoting my book. I have done no promotional work since before Christmas. I need to get over my qualms and fears and DO IT. Because no one is going to do it for me.
That’s my update for today. I leave you with this question for the ages:
Why are so many fictional male spies name Michael?
*I don’t forget to eat for a whole day or anything drastic, just forget to eat at times when I normally eat and later wonder how I managed to forget to eat and then wait a little longer trying to figure out what I feel like eating. So – not trying to eat less for weight loss – I wasn’t planning on paring down on food for at least another month. This is more just – not hungry and I don’t believe in eating when you’re not hungry. So whatever is going on with my tastes and appetite right now it is most likely more about having shaken up my habits so much it’s kind of at a loss. I’m just explaining in case anyone was feeling worried.