Clawing Through the Rubble Heap

cauldron of steam

My laptop is in the hospital.  I’m using Max’s for now.  Yesterday I turned on my computer and it announced that the computer had been shut down improperly and when it uploaded windows all my data and programs were wiped and the settings were returned to something I’ve never had.  It was super spooky.  Please don’t let this be the end of my laptop.  I can’t handle anything else right now.

Yesterday my right foot got really jealous of my left foot and the skin at the base of one of my toes cracked again.  The one that cracked the worst last time.  Apparently my skin can simply crack open at will.  Meanwhile – all this limping around is hard on my calf muscles and my back.

I have renamed myself Gimpy-Sue.

This past couple of weeks has been awful with this past week taking the goddamn cake.  We did get our car fixed for $620 or so dollars.  We opted not to fix something that wasn’t dire yet so it’s limping along just like I am.  I can’t comment on the house sitch.  My mom is really lonely without Nadia.  I have ordered orthopedic inserts for my one pair of shoes and they should get here in the next few days so hopefully my left foot will be in less pain soon.  Max has a very expensive pair of athletic shoes that have adjusted his foot “pronation” to make running and walking in gym more comfortable and he says it’s helping.  He also reports that his new gym teacher is not as much like a “drill sergeant” as his other one was.  So that’s good.  I still haven’t heard from the counselor about the email I sent on Wednesday concerning my plan for homework.  So that’s a nice tense bit of fun coming my way this week.  And today we face our tax situation.  We obviously can’t afford to get them done this year.  Nothing but fun ahead around here.

I’m going to bind my feet with athletic tape.  Or I might just cut them off.

All my garden plans are on hold.

I’m definitely not catching any breaks lately.

I am thinking I might address my kitchen this weekend once I  clean up space for Philip to do the taxes and set him up with all the paperwork he needs (that I can find).  I have completely lost my cooking mojo and I am certain it’s because of a need to clean out and organize my  cupboards  better so I can SEE what the hell is in there.  I have a rack thingy to hang for spices so I think I’ll do that.  I certainly can’t write or work without my laptop and I need to do something to symbolically clean out my head by cleaning out something in my environment.  Since tough times are ahead I need to be eating better and not lose sight of that and to do that I need to have a more efficient and well organized kitchen.

I also need to stay in touch with my future dreams.  Do you all know that I don’t have any plans to become rich?  What I want is enough security to be able to take care of my mom and us.  I want a house that no one can take away.  I want an income that’s big enough to allow us to live modestly much like we are now but enough to buy shoes when we need them and take a vacation (it’s been 4 years since our last family vacation) and I want healthcare that’s good enough that when bad shit happens to us physically it can’t destroy our savings or bankrupt us.  I don’t want a bigger house.  I don’t want much more than we have now.  I want enough money to be able to buy another used (but good condition) car in the near future.  I want to write books that sell consistently.  I want to earn around $40,000 a year as an author.  I want Philip to get raises every year he works and not lose this job because he’s really happy with his work.

That’s what I want.  My dreams are modest.  Except for the part about making my living selling my novels which is always an impossible dream until it isn’t.  You know what I mean?  May as well shoot for the goddamn moon.  I have to find a way to keep that aim of mine steady and clear in spite of the heaps of rubble falling all around us all the time.  That’s life.  That’s what happens.  You have to decide not to be buried.  You have to decide you will keep  clawing your way out of it even if it makes your hands bleed.  So I have to decide this and keep deciding this every single day.

I have to decide that I will not be bullied by life.

Or the people in it.

Or my feet.

As I was writing this a brand new bucket of rubble fell on our heap.  At some point it just gets ridiculous to mention each new bit of bullshit being heaped on us.  So.  Until further notice, just assume that each day brings with it a new pile and know that I will continue to complain just as much as I continue to claw my way upwards and work hard to NOT LOSE.

I only give up once or twice a day.

So what’s being piled on you these days?  Please feel free to complain loudly here – just shout it out in the comments. I’m listening…


  1. Diane says:

    Husband got fired for no other reason than the owner wanted a good friend who relocated to Louisville to have his position. Hoping owner will either go broke or die. or both.

  2. angelina says:

    That SUCKS!! What a horrible reason to get fired. You’ve already got the curses going towards that owner so I’ll just say that I hope your husband finds a better position soon and that things go up from there. Meantime – you have my commiseration!

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