I am now quite sure that my anti-anxiety medication is not at a completely therapeutic dose. I know this because sounds and light are irritating me almost to the point of anger and nauseousness. The sound of someone slurping their coffee makes me want to yell at the slurper to stop it and it also turns my stomach.
Just to be clear here: no matter how medicated I am I will always think coffee slurping is unnecessary and annoying.
The medication just keeps me calmer and reduces my urge to lash out. This can be helpful in a household situation. Anyway – I am NOT going to increase my meds any time soon. So I’m just going to have to work that much harder to stifle my irritation. And those around me are going to have to live with it (or address certain things).
Fall is finally here – and Sonoma County is ringing the new season in with the same exact weather we’ve been having all summer since I returned home: 80’s and 90’s. I’m not gonna lie. I miss the rain and the over cast skies of Oregon. On the other hand – not getting stingingly wet riding my scooter has not been a bad thing.
I need to develop an evening tea habit. I don’t really see the point in staying awake once I put the alcohol away. It used to be cigarettes. The problem is – I’m a night owl and a person of habit. I need something to accompany me, to be at my hand as long as I’m awake. Many years ago tea used to be a favorite beverage. But I smoked back then. Now tea just seems weak and spiritless. (Which it IS!) I must experiment with new night time beverages that have less impact on the body than beer or wine or gins and tonics do. Something to look forward to. Hey! maybe hot apple cider? No, juice is fairly high in calories.
Two days in a row I got up at 5am. I want to do this every morning with the idea that I will spend the first two hours of every morning writing. The question right now is: write what? I have been feeling low about Cricket and Grey. I love it but after watching the Hunger Games the other night and watching The Walking Dead and now Jericho – I can’t help but think my own semi-post-apocalyptic story is tediously boring. There’s no nuclear event or wildly heinous killing games nor packs of zombies. What does it have going for it? So I haven’t felt like digging into the second book in what is supposed to be a series.
So I thought I’d return to Jane Doe. But the problem with that story is that it’s such a fucking mess right now and I can’t seem to make decisions about how I want to reorganize and rewrite it. It’s right there in my head, hovering like an anxious aunt. So I guess it isn’t quite ready?
I could be working on the Post Apocalyptic Kitchen except that what I need is for the site to be set up. First I tried to get my friend Angela to do it. Quite a while ago. When it became painfully obvious that she couldn’t squeeze this project into her schedule I asked Philip to do it. That was two weeks ago. There’s always some hold up. I need the site set up so I can organize it and see where to start on this project. Emma and I have notes but we need the structure to start fleshing out our ideas.
So here I am, feeling at a loose ends with the writing.
I was reminded yesterday of how important it is to get toxic people out of my life. (Right now I don’t have any toxic people directly in my life.) Toxic for me isn’t necessarily toxic for you. What is comfortable and healthy for you in your personal relationships may be very different than it is for me. If you have toxic people in your life you need to audios them. Sometimes the process is ugly. Sometimes it’s scary. But it is always worth it.
I know that some people’s lives are much healthier without me in them.
I was reminded by having to see a comment on fb made by someone that is no longer in my life (no, probably not who you’re thinking of) and seeing her political comment on someone else’s post made my blood pressure rise sharply. I wanted to respond, to engage, to address the ridiculous comment she made and I came so close to doing it. I was itching like crazy to pounce. But I didn’t. If I engage with her then I’m letting her back into my head, a place she should never be allowed to hang out because she pollutes it.
It reminded me of how it felt to have people like that in my every day life. How much harder it made it for me to hang onto my hope and my good will towards other human beings. It reminded me of how much better it feels to have such people out of my life. I’m certain the feeling is mutual.
The thorns in my side have been removed but clearly there’s some ghost pain lingering.
I think it’s good to be reminded of this. It’s good to be forced to choose to engage again or walk away, to not have conversations and interactions that can’t be undone and will be regretted. To work on myself rather than lash out at others. I am trying to be more mindful of how I talk to others.
It’s also good to be reminded of how bad things got and how much things have changed for the better.
The main message of today is: surround yourself with supportive and kind people who appreciate you and respect you.
And also: slurping is unnecessary and annoying.
I have had the same thoughts about toxic people and recently, too. I removed a toxic person from my life nearly 2 years ago. She is still friends with many of my friends (wow, I could have said that more succinctly as “we share mutual friends.”) and so periodically, I see her name and words in my FB feed. I am getting past the point where I was so incredibly, furiously pissed at her and now, when I see her name, I just get a brief moment of “ugh” before moving on with my life. And then I remember how horrible it was to have her more fully in my life, and I am again thankful that she isn’t there any more.
There was a post I saw (on BlogHer.com, maybe? Or shared in Yammer?) about someone having an actual hatred of certain noises – metal scraping on metal, people sucking goo down their throats, slurping coffee… It was actually classified as a specific disorder and sounded very Sensory Processing-like. It was a fascinating look into the brain of an SPD person. I’ll try to hunt it down, but no promises… 🙂
If you manage to find the link I’m totally interested in reading it! Max has some of these same issues I do – with sounds and the look of things. And smells. It isn’t just that he doesn’t like pizza – it actually deeply offends him to see it and smell it. It literally makes him angry. He’s mellowed about that since being on anxiety meds. When Philip or my mom is eating and I’m not eating too and they start talking to me – I literally can’t hear them because the sound of eating is so loud to me and distracting and makes me want to claw at the furniture. It’s not their fault and I feel so SO bad when I feel that way but what can I do? They’re just doing what people do. My sister recently asked me how it is that I can eat – doesn’t my own eating disturb me. It sounds different in my own head and often I have ambient noise on when I eat. So weird and stupid to have such huge issues with such tiny little things but I can’t help it.
I’m glad you removed that toxic person from your life. I think one of the worst things unhealthy relationships (any kind) can do to a person is damage their self esteem.
i’ve been having some trouble with people’s Facebook posts. one person in particular, that i never even liked in high school, is now totally insufferable, hate filled and claims to be a christian but talks with disdain about political correctness and the “religion of tolerance”, i.e. um… which apparently means letting other people make their own life decisions. it is so polluting my life right now and filling me with rage and i keep complaining to people about it (until they tell me to shut up), reading things on the internet to somehow try to come to some solution about it, and arguing with the person in my head. i’ve been so upset.
this post is a really, really good reminder to me. i cant change other people’s dipshittiness and it’s better to not engage and remove the whole situation from my life since i CAN. the things is, it’s hard. it feels like a defeat. i cant unfriend her because it would be a defeat AND it would mean I can’t monitor the enemy. u see how unhealthy this is becoming…. ugh and double ugh.
I won’t tell you to shut up so if you need further venting – I’m your gal. What a bummer that you have to deal with this person. It wouldn’t really be a defeat if you unfriend her – I would call it a success! If she is commenting on the posts of mutual friends then you will still be able to keep your eye on her but she won’t be able to rile you up on your own posts. You could also choose to hide her for a while but she’ll still be able to comment on your posts if she wants. I’ve hidden a bunch of people who post things that routinely rile me up. This is a great solution to maintaining a healthier experience on facebook if those people don’t often comment on your posts but their posts rile you.