#18 Reason not to Drink: method writing
Method acting is a way actors access the thoughts and emotions of the characters they’re playing. Method writing is the same thing. What if I wanted to write a sober character in one of my novels? How could I access the thoughts and emotions of a sober person while experiencing the joy and comfort of drinking delicious beers? While I have no actual intention of writing completely sober characters any more than I have the intention of writing alcoholic characters, this is a valuable exercise to expand the colors in my crayon basket. Now when I need to access what it feels like to BE a teetotaler I will be able to draw on all the raw irritation satisfaction and discomfort well being and Friday boredom zen-like indifference to festive beverages that I previously wouldn’t have been able to FEEL in my bones and make REAL on the page. Now it will be in my power to make YOU feel it too.
#19 Reason not to Drink: my green and white striped XL shirt
In the world of weight loss and weight gain there is this popular idea that you shouldn’t hang onto your “skinny” clothes because it’s just going to depress you and help you FAIL at reaching your goals and will serve as a sad reminder of how you used to be in horrifying contrast to what you’ve become. I disagree with this. I haven’t held onto things I wore when I was really thin. I’ll never be really thin again and that’s not what I care about or want anyway. However, I have kept all my favorite clothes from when I was a regular sized person. I wore XL and looked great. I had a waist and wore stripes and felt good. That’s what I want. That XL looks tiny to me now. That’s what becoming obese does to you. I know people who are proud of being size 4 and that’s great that that number means something to you. I know people who will not feel good about themselves until they are out of the Large sizes and down to the mediums and smalls and invisible sizes. Not me. Look at that shirt. It’s so small. The fact that I’ve kept it all these years is to prove that I have not lost hope, that I have never stopped believing that at some point I will turn things around and get back to the clothes I love wearing. I miss wearing my striped T’s so much. Yah, I know. I could wear them now. I shouldn’t care about wearing stripes at any size. I just don’t feel right or good in them. Even if I could find this kind of stripe in my size. Generally in my size they’re all bejeweled or beaded or covered in weird-ass decoupage-style printing and made of creepy fabrics.
I will wear that shirt again.
It is the closest I can come to religious-style faith.
*****
As I’ve reached #19 reason not to drink I am realizing that it’s going to be very hard to come up with 90 reasons. I think it’s going to end up being a lot of jewelry and shirts I want to wear and stupid little nothings. I’ve already used up about 80% of the big reasons I have for not drinking for 90 days. Ah well, it’s okay.
Something I’ve been thinking about the last couple of days is this head-space I’ve sunk into and how I find myself wanting to jump into the television to become a fictional character on Fringe (maybe one of the people who doesn’t die at the beginning of every episode) or into a book, but only my favorite ones. I find I don’t want to waste my time on fiction that disappoints me or stresses me out because I’m already spending enough evening time struggling to get into that calm happy place that I no longer have. It has occurred to me that as a fiction writer I should be able to immerse myself in a different place any time I want. I shouldn’t have to depend on other people’s fictional worlds to give me the happiness and comfort I need. I’ve thought that maybe I should go get on my laptop and write some fiction. Write what I wish I was experiencing. Write the space I want to be in. But then the weight of having to make Cricket and Grey follow the path it needs to take makes me stop. So I rewatch another episode of Fringe and worry about what I will watch when I’ve rewatched the whole series.
Artists sketch in their sketchbooks. I know because I’m married to one. They sketch ideas and what they see and sometimes they just doodle and the doodle becomes something more. Writers do this too, usually, writing in a journal or a blog. I do this all the time to empty my head. But I don’t sketch fictional characters or scenes that aren’t part of the big project I’m working on. But why not? Why not do small vignettes? Why can’t I just sketch out small scenes without it having to go anywhere in particular? I don’t have to share it with anyone. I don’t have to take it seriously. Why don’t I do it? The last time I did it it turned into a whole novel (Jane Doe) that remains unfinished. It doesn’t have to turn into anything. I make up my own rules. I always have. So I don’t know why I haven’t been doing this. I can rewrite the same scene over and over and over again if I want. Not to polish it for a book but simply to continue to be in the middle of it. Long-form poetry.
In other news, I’ve lost 6 lbs in 18 days. I put it on facebook but I need to record it here too. I had 113lbs to lose and now I *only* have 107lbs to lose.
Yesterday I got take out from my favorite Mexican take out place. I got my usual plat of cheese enchiladas, beans, and rice. I always eat the beans and rice on tortilla chips first and eat the enchiladas last. This time I took a few bites of the enchiladas and it was too cheesy for me. I am not evolved enough to not eat them anyway, so I did. Then I felt too full and not good. Like I’d had way too much cheese. These are words I don’t understand. This is an experience that is new and almost frightening.
Too much cheese?!
I wasn’t kidding when I said I naturally eat a lot less when I’m not drinking. But I have never understood the concept of “too much cheese”. Until now. My friend Sarah thinks it may be my body being wise. I don’t know. I do know I haven’t had enough vegetables this week. I’m craving them but not making them. (Out of laziness, really, it’s been a real funk of a week.) This coming week needs to be full of steamed vegetables. I’ve been wanting to cut down on cheese but hadn’t had the will to do it. Maybe it’s because I’m consuming other dairy in the form of half and half in my tea? It’s all useless speculation. It doesn’t really matter. Over-thinking food in this way is irritating. More vegetables is all I need to focus on now because I’m craving them. And smaller portions. Not because that’s how to lose weight (though it is) but because I don’t need as much food now. I’m getting fuller faster because I don’t have any alcohol to soak up with it.
One last thing. I have been unwilling to find alternative relief to my discomfort and I continue to feel unwilling. It isn’t that there’s nothing satisfying to replace alcohol with or that there’s nothing else I could come to look forward to. I’m not entirely sure why I am so unwilling to find new things to enjoy and look forward to. I think part of it is that I don’t want to let myself feel comfortable. A little self punishment perhaps? Or maybe it’s just that I need to be in this place of discomfort because I need to really live it for a while in order to prevent myself from getting to this place ever again. I think I have to work through some of my anger about having mental illness. I think what’s going on is that I don’t want to mask the raw unpleasantness I’m experiencing – this return to how my head was before I drank enough beer to settle it down and keep it calm. I think this is an important part of this whole experience. Like going through the seven steps of grieving. Or going through the 12 steps of AA. This is my version. With my rules. I need to live in this place for a while. Until it either resolves itself or until I’m ready to work towards resolution. Being completely raw and unmedicated makes me a danger to myself so this here, this state is as raw as it’s safe to be. Whatever the actual reason is, I am not ready to “fix” it or change it.
My friend Nicole has mentioned seeking sedative-like effects from herbs. Hops came to mind. Bitter bitter hops. Hops are one of the key ingredients in beer and what contributes to its satisfying bite. Long long ago, when I lived alone on Hyde street and was getting really witchy, I used to make a hops, peppermint, and honey tea to help me with insomnia. It wasn’t very effective but it was calming. When I’m ready to find other things to drink and look forward to – I may try using hops in a few different ways and see what comes of it. Not a lot of other herbs have had a sedative action for me but I will consult my herbal books and see what other things I may want to experiment with. I am interested in making bitters – but this takes some alcohol. They are meant to be taken in very small quantities – enough to soak a sugar cube, for example. So I may allow myself home made bitters if it seems like a good idea. I do plan on buying Angostura bitters this weekend. That’s made with alcohol too. But you use only a few drops per glass so I will not be counting that as having an alcoholic drink any more than I would consider taking an herbal tincture the same thing as having an alcoholic drink. We’ll see. I will look into it and I will consider it.
I make up my own rules because this is my own adventure.
I get that weird food thing, and of course also holding onto the clothes. I would love to be an xl, just to buy normal size clothes.. I know for me that’ s in about 25 more lbs. At least for tops. Last year I lost 30lbs and managed to keep most of it off, that last 5 or so comes and goes. I consider it a win, and anytime I’m just up a bit I feel panicky. I just can’t eat as much and even weirder, don’t feel like it. But also for me, food doesn’t taste as good. I think that’s age. I’m following along anyway. Hope that things get better soon. xo
I think your idea of making bitters is a great one.
My son son likes lemon lime and bitters. I might take it up too.
I have never thought of having hops in tea.
Good for you, Pam! Before losing weight I think it’s hard to imagine or believe that our appetites will shrink as our body does. I’m also just less hungry when I don’t drink alcohol. I can’t wait to get to where you have gotten. It’s possible I’ll never actually end up being XL again, but that’s what I’m aiming for.
Tash – hops is incredibly BITTER. The last time I tried it I used too many hops and it was too bitter for me. I like bitter in drinks but not extreme bitter. I think I’m going to play with making some herbal simple syrups too – to add to plain mineral water. I have been neglecting my other site, Stitch and Boots, and these things will go up there once I experiment.
My favorite calming tea — and I drink a lot of it — is lemon balm, lemon verbena, dried rhubarb, dried raspberries and dried ginger. The lemon balm is from the yard, lemon verbena grows in the unheated greenhouse. Raspberries and rhubarb I dehydrate; ginger is store-bought, although I’ve been playing with growing it in the greenhouse. Very small harvests so far. It’s an afternoon drink, because morning, in my opinion, requires beverages with some form of creamer. Except in very hot weather.
Sometimes I add some catnip or oat straw, when additional calming is required. Catnip has a surprisingly nice, lemony fragrance. Only a small harvest last year; it was just getting started, and one of my cats kept coming along and harvesting it. The cats also really like standing or napping in the box it’s growing in, so we’ll see how much of a harvest there is this year… though it lived through the cold weather in spite of all the mashing, which is impressive.
Have sometimes put in nettles — good minerals — but they’re a bit seaweedy; have decided I don’t love that. They’re better in soup. Bought some dried California poppy to play with, but haven’t tried it yet.
I love what nettles offer in nutrients but can’t stand its seaweedy flavor so I only eat it mixed with spinach in things or small amounts in soup but never on its own. I just added oat straw to my list of things to work with. I also want to make a rhubarb simple syrup for making into drinks. Is it supposed to have a calming affect? I have catnip and my cats decimated it but mine has also managed somehow to survive the brutal cat assaults and then a season of no watering. I have tiny little bit popping up so I must conclude that it’s a determined plant!
I’ve never looked up whether rhubarb is supposed to have medicinal effects; the fruits are just for flavor, and possibly anti-oxidants; without something sour in there, the tea just tastes too bland for me. Lemon balm and lemon verbena are both supposed to be calming. I also can rhubarb, and love to eat it over vanilla custard.