Things That Freak Me Out

A List

For Sharon Who Wants Me to Make This Into a Book

For the purposes of this list it is important to understand that what I mean when I say something “freaks me out” is that it causes an irrational panic, involuntary physical shudder or turn of the stomach, general distress, or in some selected cases an alarming bridge-jumping anxiety.  Most of the time you will never know I’m freaking out or diverting a panic attack.  In some cases it’s obvious why I might be anxious about something – like when people wear white saggy tube socks – and in other cases – such as standing on cliff edges – your guess is as good as mine. 

I have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, as well as misophonia.  So if you don’t have any of these things and you wonder what it’s like – this will give you a little taste of how uncomfortable a lot of ordinary things are to people like me.  On the other hand, sometimes I have a lot more fun than other people because everything is SO FUCKING WEIRD.

1. Muscular spiders

2. People drinking water or other cold beverages out of mugs instead of glasses

3. Cheap poorly designed metal forks – I will admit that they offend me as much as they bother me to touch and eat with.  What excuse is there for poorly designed silverware?

4. Returning merchandise – even if it’s faulty and clear that it should be returned and obvious that no clerk will fistfight me for trying to get my money back

5. The sounds of people eating

6. The sound of cotton balls being squished

7. Vibrato singing

8. Grown women who sound like little girls

9. Putting clothes on in the wrong order

10. Dull pencils

11. People in socks without pants on

12. Tube socks

13. Saggy socks

14. Baseball caps worn very high on the crown – very hard to resist the urge to blow on them to see  if they fly away

15. Getting food from buffet situations – it’s not the germ factor, it’s something I can’t even explain to myself

16. Group activities of almost any kind where someone calls them “group activities” – I can become ornery and dangerous when pushed to participate

17. Spittle collecting in the corners of people’s mouths when they talk

18. People wearing shirts but nothing else

19. Turtlenecks – I’m convinced they will choke me to death the second I let my guard down

20. Putting my hands in gloves

21. When my skin gets really dry – makes me want to crawl out of it, as do many things on this list

22. Feeling breath on my skin – so blow on it at your own risk and remember that I’m good with my fists

23. The sound of people breathing – loud breathing in particular but sometimes it’s any sound of breathing, a very hard anxiety to live with

24. Grown ups drinking milk – this is a sick and wrong thing.  It makes me shudder.  It brings to mind phlegmy mouths which ALL people get when drinking milk.  If you drink milk in front of my and then try to carry on a conversation I will either leave immediately or plot my revenge on you
    

25. Pranks of any kind – you’ll be sorry if you play a prank on me and I die of a heart attack, though probably not as sorry as I’ll be

26. Cutting off pieces of carcasses – in cooking applications.  I have never tried cutting pieces off of human carcasses or wild animal carcasses but I almost passed out cutting the tip of a chicken wing off

27. The thought of people eating meat – philosophically I’m okay with it but secretly I find it really distressing

28. Meat breath – it’s a thing people who eat meat get that I imagine only a lifelong vegetarian could smell but it causes me to back away

29. The smell of fish – yes, even fresh fish smells like fish if you hate the smell of fish

30. Finding half a worm on my dinner plate

31. Using a cutting board that meat has been on

32. Floss breaking in my teeth

33. Visible tooth rot

34. fuzzy teeth

35. loose teeth – mine, yours, everyone’s – if you show me or you talk about it I will claw the walls to get away

36. dentures

37. getting dental x-rays

38. cotton tubes the dentist stuffs in your mouth during root canals

39. Squeaky noises

40. people mindlessly humming

41. people mindlessly whistling

42. Repetative noises

43. Competing noises

44. long nails on men – especially when just a couple are long

45. really long nails on women – it’s hard for me to stop fantasizing about what it would feel like to rip them off which makes me uncomfortable because things like that are called “assault” according to the law

46. plastic surgery

47. being pregnant – I still have nightmares about it

48. other people being pregnant – for god’s sake don’t be offended, I have a very visceral panic about people being pregnant

49. women having babies – the whole topic distresses me for a number of reasons both rational and unhinged

50. overpopulation

51. people who love having babies – I can’t even talk about this it weirds me out so much and presents the big unsolvable mystery of how I came to have one on purpose

52. people who love spending all their time with kids – WHY? I can’t even talk about this

53. People chewing with their mouths open

54. crunching noises

55. slurping noises

56. squelching noises

57. the feel of the shower water on my boobs – fuck you for being normal!  It hurts but it also gives me the same sensation that a snagged nail does

58. dishes washed with dishcloths

59. using someone else’s towel

60. Taking off a pair of socks and then putting them back on – I have a lot of socks so I never have to do this even if I fail to get my laundry done at the appropriate time.  I don’t like to give you too much power over me or anything, but let’s just say that if you ever need to torture me for information, this is the thing to start with for guaranteed results

61. Using pillows others have slept on

62. snagged nail

63. people I don’t know standing too close

64. mullets – I have used exposure therapy to work on this and have used CBT to learn to “appreciate” them in the wild

65. pants that are too tight – and no this isn’t because I’m a prude or an old lady

66. Crossing bridges

67. standing on bridges – because some day I’m just going to jump off of one the compulsion is so strong and creepy

68. cliff edges in any situation – (see #67)

69. taking plane rides

70. being underground in close spaces

71. windows that can’t be opened

72. disco pants

73. competition of any kind – I can’t handle competitive behaviors or games or sports or – you know – LIFE – anxiety is a real sonofabitch

74. the sound of football games

75. wind chimes – makes a black hole of nothing open up inside me when I hear them

76. being aware of the moment you slip from consciousness to unconsciousness

77. vomiting

78. all things relating to vomit including the thought of vomit – emetaphobia is what it’s called

79. Escalators – convinced I will be caught and killed by one some day and have never told anyone that before

80. any unidentifiable rash, ache, pain, or medical mystery

81. people who are super gentle and calm and quiet and never ever swear – I get the irrepressible urge to BREAK THEM which is a terribly stressful compulsion

82. religion

83. people yelling – PTSD

84. hospitals

85. being touched unexpectedly – come up behind me and surprise me with a hug at your own risk

86. doctor exams

87. any carpet that is tacked down to the floor

88. wearing slippers

89. the smell, taste, and texture of cold butter

90. watching people put cold butter on bread and eat it

91. wearing socks to bed – other people wearing them to bed also freaks me out

92. wearing anything to bed that you’ve been wearing all day – particularly if such garments were worn outside

93. dizziness

94. nausea

95. mayonnaise

96. pulling – (oil as toothpaste and please let’s never talk about this again)

97. the word giggle – makes me feel violent

98. the word chuckle – see above note

99. clowns of ANY kind – are there truly people out there who love clowns besides people who ARE clowns?

100. balloons

101. games of ANY kind

102. magic tricks/shows

103. Las Vegas

104. potato bugs

105. ticks

106. anything that burrows under your skin

107. stickiness on hands

108. [redacted] – you can’t handle knowing about this one
     

109. super saggy pants

110. grown men wearing baseball caps backwards

111. camel toes

112. moose nuts

113. kids with colds

114. people spitting phlegm on the ground

115. old sponges (more than one week old is pretty old)

116. collections of teeth lying around – my child saves all the teeth he loses (see image at top of page) and I will suddenly see them and I can’t describe how it makes me feel which is why I can’t account for why it gave me so much pleasure to photograph them even though the whole time I was having the FEELINGS

117. tongues –  all of them.  Let’s not talk about them ever again.

118. gristle  – biting down on it, which I had the misfortune of doing when a relative who shall remain nameless forced me to try a hamburger (knowing I was a vegetarian kid) over 30 years ago and I’m still haunted by that experience

119. Styrofoam squeaking – makes me want to kill people

120. threads or fibers you can’t shake or get off of you no matter what you do – panic inducing

121. flannel sheets

122. sitting with my back to the door of a public place

123. parties

124. tasting condiments by themselves – don’t ever ask me to taste a spoonful dressing or dip please

125. washing stemware and glasses in general

126. sinks full of dirty water

127. carolers – one of my most well-known anxieties

*Milk as an ingredient in baking or in black tea is fine.  Milk for babies is pretty much the thing mammals DO.  So those milk applications don’t bother me.