Angelina’s Key Tips for Women Desirous of Avoiding Being Murdered:
Don’t be in parking lots after dark. If you have to be in a parking lot after dark, carry a menacing hatchet and wave it about in an unpredictable manner.
Don’t trust any men you don’t know well who offer you rides anywhere, whose idea of fine dining is a dry potato and a Pepsi, who have inexplicable stains on their clothes, or who profess with great urgency that you can trust them.
Avoid marrying people who have a secret family in New Jersey.
Never leave a drink unattended in public.
Don’t trust old-timey mustaches.
When someone knocks on your car window at a deserted gas station pretend you didn’t notice and peel out of there on rubber fumes and never look back.
If the person you’re dating or are married to punches you or hits you once, the chances you’ll end up as a case on Forensic Files increases by about 100%. Get the fuck out and scream that motherfucker’s name as you do.
Don’t date a mulleted individual.
Don’t live in remote areas of Florida. Or anywhere in Florida, probably.
Ignore men who initiate conversations you’re not interested in because you owe no man fealty. You seriously have zero obligation to engage in uncomfortable conversations with anyone.
Take Kung Fu and take it seriously.
Never leave a club by yourself at 2 am.
Make sure you always keep abreast of the financial situation in your family. Get involved and never sleep on the job. Especially if your spouse has serial killer glasses.