1. Bathe often and with soap.
2. Make brushing your teeth the first and last thing you do every day.
3. Your penis can be the greatest source of pleasure and also the source of many shitty painful tedious STD’s. Enjoy it, but also protect it with condoms.
4. You’re a warrior in spirit, so understanding, collecting, and learning to use weapons is a natural thing for you to do. There is no shame in enjoying a good weapon’s mechanisms and actions. You may be surprised to know that your mom is also a warrior spirit. Just know that the greatest weapon you possess is your mind and conscience working in tandem. Real bravery is being able to resolve conflicts with no weapons or shed blood.
5. Always ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in asking for help. Everyone needs help sometimes. Most of us need help often. Anyone who says differently has rotting skeletons in their closets.
6. Don’t kill people for any reason. I’ll still love you if you do, because being your mom is uncomplicated in that I will love you no matter what, but I won’t bake you cakes with metal files in them to help you escape prison and I won’t ever think it’s okay that you kill anyone for any reason. But I’ll still cherry pick the best lettuce leaves for your salads.
7. Before you leave home be sure you know how to make your favorite foods. This is important for your survival.
8. Keep your mind open to new ideas. The minute you close it you begin to calcify and grow stupid. You’ve got such a bright smart sharp brain, don’t waste it by shutting it off to new thought.
9. Don’t pee on public transportation or you can never run for public office or look anyone in the eye ever again.
10. Always share your change (or clothes, blankets, food) with homeless people. I only say this as a formality. It makes me proud that you always give your change to homeless people who ask for it, and you do it without judging them.
11. Always know where the water and gas shut-offs are where you’re living.
12. Never go anywhere without paper and a pen.